Why Do Husbands And Wives Always Fight?
Fights between husband and wife happen due to ignorance and as a result of their past karmas.
In today’s world, the majority of couples have daily fights for years together. This is mainly because of their past karmas. In their previous life, they may have made highly negative intentions which are yielding results in this life. So, even if they don’t want to fight, they still continue to fight!
It means the negative intentions are the reason, and they are based on ignorance.
Owing to ignorance, one is not able to solve their differences; and on the contrary one starts competing in the fighting race every day! What do we mean by ‘Ignorance’? Ignorance means not knowing how to live our life happily and harmoniously. If one applies mere common sense and learns to adjust everywhere, then one can get solutions fairly quickly and thus make one’s life harmonious and peaceful.
Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan has explained it very nicely in his book named “Harmony in marriage” (available for free download on www.dadabhagwan.org). He says that a man does not know how to be a good father and how to be a nice husband; similarly, a woman does not know how to be a good wife and a mother. The two have all the material comforts, but they do not know the art of living a peaceful life!
What is ignorance made up of?
It is made up of wrong beliefs and negativity! Underneath, there is always a notion that “I will not adjust to anyone, only others have to adjust for me.” Due to this, in their next birth, they will face even more suffering and fights. In olden years, there used to be “ONE FAMILY,” wherein everyone supports and gives love to each other. These olden days can come back if we learn to adapt and adjust!
Let me go over some of the most commonly seen “ignorant” situations along with their solutions.
Wrong Beliefs: Most couples have a belief that it’s okay to fight as it brings us closer and it enhances our love. This is a wrong belief! One should never protect this belief because it results in more clashes. Instead, one must make a strong positive belief that, “I don’t want to make any fights or clashes at home. I want every one of us to live in peace.” This belief changes our actions and brings joy in home.
Showing other person’s faults: One yells at their spouse, “You are such a useless person; you forgot to give my laundry to the laundryman! You are an idiot.” This is not correct. We can say the same thing in a friendly manner and remain calm. We can say, “Don’t worry; I have another set of clothes which I can wear.” Talk in a friendly manner and adjust to the situation.
Dominating personality: In a couple, one of them is usually a dominating personality. The one who dominates, creates a type of fear for the other one and that usually leads to fights. With such an attitude, the relationship does not last long. Therefore, try to build relationships based on trust and love.
Different viewpoints: Suppose husband wants to send the child to a public school, and the wife wants to send the child to a private school. They both have their own viewpoints. When the husband takes the final decision, the wife does not like it, and hence she throws tantrums at him! To avoid this, the husband could convince his wife; and if not, then at least the wife could respect her husband’s decision and his viewpoint. Doing so brings so much peace and contentment in our home.
“I am wiser than you”: When the couple has to make some important decisions of life, such as moving to a new house, or into a new state, the wife asserts that, “I am wiser than you, so just listen to me.” This way the fight begins and it just does not stop. Of what use is this wisdom which brings nothing but ceaseless fights in our house. If we instead remove this ego of “I am wiser”, the problems will get dissolved much faster and in a much better manner. Hence do not compete, listen to your loved one, and allow him as the head of the family to take the important decisions in life with ease.
Dislike of food: Early in the morning, suppose husband fusses over the tea and blows his top, “I don’t like the masala tea that you made, and I will not drink it again”, and wife in turn loses her temper over husband for not waking up on time or not putting things in their right place. So much of abhorrence towards a living being, just for a cup of tea or keeping the house clean – which is all non-living! And ultimately, it’s one’s own karma that is giving results. But since such understanding is not present, it leads to baseless fights, which only further multiply our future karma.
There is so much ignorance. How can we get rid of all of this now?
By knowing who you really are!
Entire world is living in the wrong belief that, “I am Gautam (you may put in your name here) and this body is mine.” In reality, the body does not come with us after we die and nor does the name. What remains forever, even after Gautam dies, is the Pure Soul which is immortal, pure and full of knowledge. And that is what we really are!
Yes, “I am Pure Soul” is our real and permanent identity. But we cannot understand or assume this identity merely through words. It is only when some Living Gnani destroys the veils of ignorance lying over our Soul and partially uncovers the knowledge of the Pure Soul, we, in real terms, realize ‘who am I?’ (Self-Realization).
Thereafter, Gnani also teaches us how we can conduct our day-to-day proceedings with the awareness that really “I am indeed a Pure Soul and my spouse and every relative too is really a Pure Soul only.” With this right vision and the right understanding gained from Gnani, our worldly ties which used to get entangled on every small excuse, now flow smoothly and harmoniously, comfortably adjusting with the person at the other end.
After Self-Realization, life continues in the normal way as it always did; but the big change that one witnesses in the life after Self-Realization is that there are no more fights and battles now; there is peace and happiness and never-ending love flowing for each other now. I myself have experienced this at my home, which is like a heaven now as I have no more fights with family, relatives or friends.
You too can experience it if you like; there are no charges for it nor does it require us to change our religion or Guru. We just have to attain Gnani’s grace!!! And then see how it gets us out of the daily fighting race. For more info, you may visit https://www.dadabhagwan.org/self-realization/
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