What My Divorce Taught Me And Why It Isn’t Always Negative…

What My Divorce Taught Me And Why It Isn’t Always Negative

I am sure people find the statement that divorce is not always negative somewhat perplexing, but just hear me out. I completely believe in the sanctity of marriage, and I hope to find it again one day. That being said, I am not rushing it. I would rather be alone than in a marriage that I am not happy in, in it for the wrong reasons, or not being my authentic self. And if I never get married again, that is ok too. It is not the end of the world to not be married. Many people find partners and never get married for their own personal reasons.

Common Notion

It seems there is this notion that a woman needs to be married and have children to conform to the traditional family norm, which does not really exist anymore. Let’s be honest. Women can survive on our own. We can do things on our own without needing a partner to fulfill or complete us. Women are more powerful than they sometimes get credit for, which is also something that is on the rise and changing in all arenas. We do not have to choose a career over marriage or marriage over a successful life. We are quite good at multitasking. Our society has changed drastically in regards to marriage. I would say we have grown. A woman is not an outcast because she chooses or prefers to be alone, date, or simply stay in a long-term relationship. I see articles on a daily basis of new trends that are becoming more popular among couples.

The Plan

That being said, I had an entire layout of my life, and not much of that happened the way I pictured it when I was younger. Sometimes our plans are not our plans. They do not fit into our journey at times. I truly believe we have a path, even if we venture off of it for a bit.

You Will Miss Things

If I am going to be honest, I miss the affection, always having a date, holidays together, and vacations. But, I can still do all that. While all my friends are married, getting engaged, or having babies, I am happy posting selfies with my dog Bella. I do miss the family dynamic, because it was all I had in a long time that felt real. I felt loved, appreciated, understood, and supported. I now get that from my closest friends, which I refer to as my tribe. So it wasn’t a complete loss of that from my life.

Divorce Can Be A Positive Experience Believe It Or Not

I am not incompetent without a man or partner, and I am also not the exception. Divorce does not always have to stand for doom and gloom. In fact, I am going to give some insight into what it did for me in positive ways that we might not realize at first until we take a deeper look into our lives and see what we need or want that we either aren’t not getting or did not realize until after we said I do.

The Positives

My divorce helped me grow in ways I could never imagine. My marriage saved me at a very crucial time in my life, and I am forever grateful for that, but my divorce also set me free to pursue a different lifestyle that I longed for. See, I was always with someone the majority of my life. I never really go to experience what it was like to be single for a long period of time.

Back To Dating



To be honest, I rarely date these days. My schedule is hectic, and when I do it often does not go further than a first date, maybe a second. That is by choice. I have been asked why I am single. The answer is simple, and I just said it above. It is by choice. I know what I want, and I will never settle.

What Divorce Taught Me

These are some of the ways I found that divorce is not always negative, and in fact it taught me much about myself:

  • I found an independence that I never had.
  • I rekindled my fire and passion to reach goals and dreams that had been put aside to be married because I felt if I pursued them, it would take away from being a wife.
  • It gave me a new sense of self, and self-love. I needed to love myself fully first, and for a long time I did not. My past got in the way of that, and in a way I never felt I deserved it. I went through several stages of being lost or in the dark. I put myself there because in trying to be strong and help everybody around me, I forgot about myself for a long time. It is so important to take care of ourselves before we can help someone else. Anger, resentment, trauma, letting go, and learning to forgive was something I was deep down inside still not facing head on.
  • I discovered that I might actually want something very different in my next partner. Self discovery can be a very interesting pursuit during self reflection. I was holding myself back a great deal, because when you are married you somewhat conform to a certain type of lifestyle.
  • I began engaging in activities that I used to think was a joke, such as meditation and yoga. I did not grow up around that. It was all about that forget about it mentality. Go work out or get over it. It has done wonders for me. I used to think it was all ohhhhhm and chanting sitting Indian style. How very wrong I was. It is a big part of my life now, and who I am spiritually.
  • I found new hobbies I would never have thought I would enjoy so much.
  • I travel more.
  • I have achieved goals that I never thought I would reach for a while. I was starting to give up on myself and everything I wanted.
  • I feel as if my marriage gave me a gift of finding parts of myself that were once hidden.
  • I still have a best friend in my ex-husband as he one of my closest friends, my safe place, always there when I need him, an ear to listen, and he will always be my first love. The love of my life in a way, but not as a married couple. We had a good run. It was not until the last couple of years that we both came to the conclusion that we needed to move on and live separate lives. It was time. He came into my life when he was supposed to, and I have not one regret, nor am I ashamed of my divorce. He will always have a special place in my heart. He is a good guy. So don’t let your minds wander. It was a mutual agreement to split. No soap opera type storyline. We simply worked better apart.

Reality

Sure, it sucks. You do not go into marriage thinking it will not work out. But it is better to not force something that just isn’t there. Nobody wants to stay in a marriage just to feel they might be judged for it not lasting. There is no shame in divorce. Sometimes it is needed. Can you work it out at times, sure, but there is always that possibility of it popping up again down the road. Maybe and maybe not. I chose to not experiment with the possible inevitable outcome if we tried to stay together. If one of you is going one way and the other another, you are not going to end up at the same crossroad.

It Can Still Be A Happy Ending

So, for me, divorce was not necessarily a negative thing, besides the aspect of the actual divorce. Of course, there are those cases of cheating, abuse, and many other things that is in a completely different arena than my point here. I am discussing those times where it just does not make sense to remain married. I can sit here and list all the reasons why I believe it did not work, but that is not what I want to convey. I can’t imagine him not in my life, but as a friend. Is it odd when you move on and it is truly over? Yes. Can we be best friends forever without our future other half having a problem with it? A reality we all have to face, and at that moment it can be time to say goodbye. But, until that time comes, he is in my life supporting everything I do and cheering me on. And that is nice to have in my corner. In this moment, this is what works for my lifestyle. Not looking too far down the road. No need for it. I like living in the present.

The BackStory

I met my ex-husband when I was 17, got married at 20, and by 26 my divorce was final after a year long separation. During that time we hung out, we laughed, we reminisced, and it felt so much more comfortable. We were probably the only couple in the courtroom when it came time that were giggling and being affectionate while the rest shot dagger eyes at each other. My life would not be where it is today if I did not meet him along the way. I truly believe that. And when it came time for me to move back home to NYC, it was difficult and heartbreaking. I will not deny that, because now it was even more of an ending then it was before.

In The End…

He came into my life and rescued me in several ways. It might not have taken forever, but no one person is to blame. It happens. We can’t beat ourselves up over what we can’t control. We were young and in love. We took a chance. That is all you can do with marriage. It is either a yes or no. I chose yes, because I would not have it any other way. I could not have asked for a better partner during that period of my life, despite some of our common marital issues. He is partly the reason I am who I am today, and what could be a better gift than finally being in a place in your life where you can say that your divorce lead to a life that you once thought you might not get.. It could have went many ways, but it went in a positive direction, with some bumps, but nonetheless, it wasn’t a catastrophe.

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Dana Jacoviello

Dana Jacoviello is a writer/celeb interviewer/podcast host, activist, advocate, founder of Bullies Keep Out, freelances in entertainment/social media & correspondence/PR/Media/Events,…

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