What Is A Constructive Way To Handle Jealousy And Suspicion?
Many believe jealousy denotes love. Is that true?
No, this is only a myth. By saying so one is actually giving protection to this negative feeling, and thus helping it to grow further and spread its roots deeper.
Jealousy is when you’re worried that someone’s trying to take what you have.
Eg. If your see your spouse smile and chat with someone, you feel jealous, and if you see the same thing repeat a few times, it gives rise to suspicion that is my spouse cheating on me.
Jealousy and suspicion arise from the fear of losing what we feel is ours to someone else.
This means jealousy is not love, it’s a resultant negative emotion stemming from fear, which in turn is a fallout of desire, doubt and insecurity. There’s the desire to possess what we consider to be ours, there’s a doubt or lack of trust in your partner, in yourself, and in the Nature’s precise order too, and consequently there’s the insecurity of losing our partner to someone else.
It means all these problems of jealousy, suspicion of being cheated, etc. arise basically from attachment. And deep down, from this attachment, we are actually craving for security and permanency.
That is where, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan advises us to run to the permanent
“There is no winner in this race of jealousy (irsha). I do not enter into such a race. It is a race where one will die huffing and puffing without getting anywhere. Even the one who is full of intellect will get exhausted and in his latter years of life will accuse others, ‘He cheated me and the other fellow cheated me’ and on and on. Hey you! You got cheated even at the age of eighty?! You will run in the racecourse for countless of lives and you will still be cheated at the end. This is how the world is. Everything will go to waste and on top of that, you will also suffer miserably in the process. Instead discover your rightful place, your home of bliss, the Self (the permanent Soul) and then run to it.”
Regarding suspicion, Param Pujya Dadashri suggests,
“When someone tells us that suspicion has arisen within him, I teach him to remove it instantly from its roots and throw it out. It is not worth having any suspicions. Suspicion destroys a person. May whatever happen, under no circumstances should you have suspicion, because nothing is going to change by being suspicious. On the contrary, it gets worse. Doubts and other such diseases then arise. Why should one be consumed by suspicion in a world where even what is witnessed with one’s own eyes is proven wrong?
Lord Krishna has said, “sanshay-atma vinashyati” meaning ‘when one begins to have suspicion; one self-destructs.’ Any man who has suspicions about anything or anyone in the worldly life, whether it is one’s spouse, father, mother, brother or uncle; that man is as good as dead. It will cause him pain that is comparable to death.
What does suspicion mean? It is like putting a pound of salt in the milk pudding that is prepared for a large gathering. What happens if we do that? The milk will turn rancid. People do not realize the liability of doing this.
Whenever suspicion arises, stop within a minute. You can be suspicious for only a minute. After that you should decide, ‘such is my destiny’ and then turn around. If you go beyond that, suspicion is such that it will become a poison and kill you.
Whatever happens, or has happened, is within the dictates of Nature’s law. Nothing is going to happen outside of your karmic account. Nothing is going to change, but that suspicion will kill you. Therefore, the moment suspicion arises, instantly remember that Dada has said no to it and that you are to stop it. Nevertheless, you should take the necessary precautions. But do not be suspicious otherwise it will lead to more anguish and turmoil. Those with suspicion get into trouble, that is the law of nature; and those who do not listen to suspicion have no difficulties at all.
The mightiest ghost in this world is that of suspicion. The best of people have been destroyed by it; therefore do not let suspicion arise in the first place. Destroy it the moment it arises. Do not let it grow. Otherwise it will not let you live peacefully. Suspicion has killed and destroyed even the greatest of men like the powerful Chakravarti emperors.”
Instead discover your rightful place, your home of bliss, the Self and then run to it
Suspicions, jealousy, etc. all belong to the worldly self. The worldly self is not the real Self; it is only a temporary self. Our rightful place is the pure Soul, which is our permanent Self. Only after attaining Self-Realization from the living Gnani (the Enlightened One), we are able to stay in our real Self! In today’s age, we can get this done through Akram Vignan.
After Self-Realization, we realize that where there is jealousy and suspicion, there is no love.
Jealousy only leads to emotional instability, bitterness in interactions, prolonged depression, restlessness and extreme anxiety. And once there is suspicion about a person, there is separation from that person. It leads to breaking of relationships as the echoes of suspicion will inevitably reach the other person. Therefore, there should be no suspicion, and as soon as suspicion occurs, it should be removed with awareness.
For this, under the right guidance of Gnani, we begin to wash away these feelings by doing proper pratikraman. We remain in the awareness of the Self (the Pure Soul) and the worldly self that indulged in jealousy and suspicion, repents before God, “Dear God, The feelings of jealousy and suspicion are arising in me. Please forgive me for that and give me strength so that I do not make these mistakes again.”
The nature of the Self is love and with such a love, one forgets all one’s problems.
Once bound through this love, nothing else can bind you. When does love arise? It is when you ask for forgiveness for all mistakes that have occurred so far. You accept that you, and only you are at fault for seeing fault in others. You should take this approach with those for whom you wish to become the embodiment of love. Only then will you feel love, the real love free from fear, full of bliss!
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