Every night before I go to bed I watch the movie “The Letters.” It is about Mother Teresa and I have discovered we have something in common. No! I am not a saint. Actually I can be quite awful sometimes when I am under stress. What we have in common in that she felt abandoned by God and so do I sometimes.
What Mother Teresa teaches me is that no matter how difficult things are around you, it is important to be a cheerful witness to God. To “act as if” everything is fine when you are out there trying to help people and then to pour your heart out about your grief to your confidants and in private letters.
When my daughter passed away, I wrote letters only today we call it a journal. It was a series of passages about my grief. Each day I expressed how I felt. Not just the difficult days, but the good days too. Then I went back to work trying to help people with love addiction.
Mother Teresa worked with the dying. Sometimes love addicts die from their grief. They commit suicide because they too feel abandoned by God. So I try to show them that life goes on even if love is not there for a time. The truth is that the love is there, you just cannot feel it for awhile.
The movie about Mother Teresa did not explain how she felt toward the end of her life, but I am sure she knew, if not felt, how much God loved her. I know God loves me even if I do not feel it sometimes, because I remember the times in the past when he rescued me, comforted me, and gave me strength.
Today, my husband is dying and I have my good days and my bad. As I write, this I feel a little depressed so I am writing my own “letter” as I lie here next to him and listen to him breathe deeply. He likes the clatter of the keys as I write. He likes to know that I am continuing my work despite what is coming soon.
I was born to write. I discovered this in 1982 when I got sober and started my recovery journal. If you feel abandoned by God, write to him. Ask for strength and moments when you feel his love well up inside of you. Carry on. Find someone to help. Be cheerful around others and then go home and write your own letters.
Where Love abides by Susan Peabody
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