The Accidental Spiritual Leader
A tidal wave of enormously stressful life events lead me to feelings of sheer utter bone weary exhaustion. I woke up feeling tired. I drank wine, I complained, I tried sleeping more, I ate chocolate, and complained again…..but the fatigue wouldn’t dissipate.
I was so tired it was frightening. Nothing seemed to help. I finally went to the doctor. Young female doctor #1 suggested that I was depressed and prescribed anti-depressants. That was disappointing. Luckily I trusted myself enough to know that I wasn’t depressed and I told her that. I felt dismissed like a hypochondriac but I listened to my inner voice and sought out another opinion.
Female doctor #2, a lovely Muslim lady, took me more seriously. She listened and tested my blood and we discovered that I was pre-diabetic. I was slim, very fit from years of martial arts training, and I ate well. It was puzzling. Finally she asked me whether I had experienced stress. I cried. She told me that her prescription was daily meditation for six weeks and then to come back for more blood tests. My good friend, a dietitian, was up in arms. “Irresponsible advice!” she said…my fasting blood sugar levels were at 10.
A few days later, I found a postcard invitation in my postbox to a free weekly meditation class in the local library. Funny how the universe works. I was desperate to feel better, for something to take away the pain of my existence and the physical impact it was having on my body.
What I know now is that my fatigue was not just physical and that my soul was longing to be heard and nurtured. My soul was tired and I had been in survival mode through life circumstances that were extremely challenging. This decision inadvertently and somewhat reluctantly led me down the path of spiritual leadership.
After six months of daily meditation my blood sugar levels reverted back to normal. Not many people believe me and that’s fine, their opinion doesn’t matter.
My stress led me to look for support where it couldn’t be given, sabotage my career, drink too much and fall into despair and victim hood. But I kept meditating. I overthought, over analyzed and created problems where there were none. I also visited lots of psychics over this period. Giving my power away to others on so many different levels, even up until quite recently.
How does the story end? Well it has only just begun. I discovered Dr Ricci-Jane Adams and the Institute for Intuitive Intelligence. The initial draw card was learning about intuition because I wanted to improve my intuition and never again make the mistake of sabotaging opportunities.
When I listened to Ricci-Jane talking I didn’t always understand what she was meaning but my soul yearned to learn more. I signed up for the Initiate programme and then as a priestess of god consciousness in her Third Level programme.
I didn’t fully understand what that meant. I didn’t grasp the path that this was taking me on. It was more of an attempt to try and understand what the point of my life is. As Caroline Myss says (and I paraphrase) instead of asking “why me?” ask “why not me?”. My ‘pain body’ as Eckhart Tolle refers to was so overwhelming that my soul was looking for answers, and peace.
I have never wanted to follow the crowd, but have been the ‘good girl’ along with that. I have allowed the men in my life to trample on me in the name of love and male bosses in the name of survival. My vulnerability made it easier for me to allow it and I did not know my power.
What have I learnt? The spiritual path is not for the faint hearted. It is not about accumulating with vision boards and the law of attraction. For me it has been about getting over myself. I’ve had my 5 minutes of feeling sorry for myself (again a reference to Caroline Myss) and now it is time to step up. There is only one of us here. I am you and you are me and the events of my life have led me to crack wide open.
It is about how I can serve. How can I serve others in knowing that they are pure unlimited consciousness? How can I help others identify the subconscious fear that directs their lives and bring them to the realisation of their own unlimited power? This is what it is about. What I do for one, I do for all.
Am I afraid? F*k yeah! I am scared as hell. I don’t feel good enough, or totally ready but I can of my own self do nothing. I don’t even know what my service is going to ultimately look like, but I know I want to help women bring their own gifts of service to the world and step into their power and self sovereignty.
And by the way, I am more intuitive now, but my purpose has changed. I cannot unlearn what I now know, that I am pure unlimited consciousness.
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