Talk About Being In A RUT
I just learned something new. In preparation for writing this, I looked up the definition of ‘rut’. Did you know it has two definitions? I sure didn’t. One is the mating season for deer, a time of increased sexual excitement. The second definition is, to be in a sorry state, having a wheel stuck in a groove, to be in a boring cycle. Wish I could say I’m a deer! Ha! Not really, just a regular ol’ human over here, in the second definition of ‘rut’.
The reason I wanted to write about this subject is to get me out of my rut, actually. I have been trying for some time to feel passionate, inspired, motivated, happy, blah, blah, blah. As you can hear through the voice of my writing, it hasn’t’ worked. I can’t seem to dedicate myself to anything, nothing seems that exciting, don’t get me wrong, I have glimpses of exciting, I’m not dead!
Is it possible I just have a sour taste for living life in my mouth? Buzz into the past, a couple years ago, I was really active, really dedicated and really inspired to take charge of my life. Eating a plant based diet, exercising on the regular, being seriously excited about chlorella, chia seeds, flax and alkaline water. Being totally into my spiritual practice, mediation, journaling, yoga, using essential oils and always asking myself how can I do better? Started a website after taking a wonderful coaching course, a blog, got on social media again. I’ve learned so damn much! I won’t bore you will ALL of the details, but let’s say I was thinking my side hustle would take over my day to day hustle at some point.
It didn’t, and as every day went by that was I wasn’t’ a success, I started to feel less inclined to participate in trying. I told so many people about my plans! Ahh! Never in my life have I had enough confidence before to tell everyone my plans, but I had gained so much insight, so much knowledge, I truly believed in myself.
In hindsight, belief in one’s self, is not the same as knowing how to run a successful business. Ta-dah! Look what I know now. Haha! So, I went up, up, up in my confidence. Flying high with motivation and passion. Attempted to put it on down on paper, and get others to come experience this with me, and I really had no game plan except that. People were not quickly involved with me, and I really didn’t know how to market, or get out there. I started to lose the confidence that I had gained and slowly retreated, less blogging, less opportunities, less putting myself out there. Until, are you ready, I became a full fledged hermit, who doesn’t visit or talk to anyone, who is the opposite of everything that I had worked and longed for, and actually my natural state of being. I began eating unhealthy, not exercising, not writing, and not living. Around this same time my sister died from cancer, and it was terribly overwhelming and broke my heart, and the hearts of everyone around me. Of course this played a very big role in not wanting to live my life.
What I find interesting though, is what I have learned from death is that it teaches us to live, it reminded me that everyone moment, is special, whether it’s crappy, or fun, or annoying, it’s life and it’s worth being excited about. Death taught me the depth of love, from the inside out. So, I was broken hearted and depressed, but more willing and happy to love more compassionately than I ever have, and live more passionately than before. I think I did for a while, but with my side business going nowhere and the death of my sister, I just started to fade away into non-existence. I mean, I was alive, breathing and attending my 9-5, but less laughs, more rigid, more anxiety, oh and less sleeping, lots of not sleeping!
And it’s just been like this, over and over, for quite some time now. I have lowered my standards for life, I have felt depleted, and have thoughts of not wanting to commit to anything. For fear it might not work out, and I’m not sure I can deal with that. I don’t want to disappoint myself, or other people, and I have been hiding away. As I do, on occasion.
So, the other night I got an email notification regarding an article I published over a year ago. Honestly, I forgot to that I used to write articles and publish them. I thought what is this, I got a comment on what? So, I think OK, let me take a peek, what was I writing about? There were articles about self-love, grieving, and more, but one stuck out. It was an article of how to recover after being in a relationship with a narcissist, don’t get me started on that subject. I noticed it had been shared 175 times, and I felt a little spark of excitement from within. 175 is quite small, but for me, I thought wow, could I have helped even one of those 175 people deal with their emotions a little better, or helped them in some way? Then, I couldn’t sleep all night thinking about how something I did potentially helped other people. A good night of not sleeping, haha!
If I want to move forward and get back in the flow, I have to write, that is what I am doing here. I am picking myself up, I am dusting myself off and I getting back into the game of life. One day at a time, one step at a time, one freaking, healthy juice at a time, and one piece of writing at a time. I will climb out of my rut, my pit, my made up cave. I will walk among the people again!
I hope if you read this, and you are in a rut, you are not too hard on yourself, and that you give yourself all the time you need to be in the rut, because there is good in all things, even rut time. Give yourself a chance, and if you started something you were so sure about, and it didn’t work out, well welcome to the club! Any successful person will tell you they failed a ton of times before they found their niche, what made them successful was their willingness to pick themselves up and try again. Also, if you think you are in a rut, trying using the first definition, it’s more fun.
Photo by Yanny Mishchuk
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