Moving Beyond Narcissism
Good day reader, I hope all is well with you. Narcissism seems to be a heavy and touchy topic. Being a narcissist myself, why not put in my input. This is only my truth because this is my personal experience.
I went on a spiritual journey to liberate myself from ego. This was the most frightening choice that I have ever made. I knew that losing my identity would temporarily drive me insane, I was in a very scary confusing place. At first, I thought that I knew myself, but I am not only this person. Feeling like I was losing my identity made me question my own sanity. I kept asking…. then who Am I?
Years later I have found myself. I began to laugh at my ego because I put myself through extreme situations to get answers, but in the end, I still felt the same. My personality did not change….I did notice this calm light feeling as if I was a feather. Wait a minute, have I become a guru/narcissist, is that even possible? Sometimes I would ask myself…. should my personality disorder keep me out of the gates of heaven?
Funny thing is I am not my personality, that is the flaw within itself, my humanity. My personality is the result of past experiences, I need some way to communicate with humans on this planet. The problem began when I tried to fit into this world, be In The World. I had to wake up my spiritual nature to remember to not be so deeply Of The World. This confirms that we are advanced spiritual beings having a temporary human experience.
Since my personality is the flaw then I no longer need to live in a state of judgment, I trust my choices. No need to be overly critical of myself when I make mistakes, no need to compare myself to others, we all are flawed but with gifts to share with one another.
I needed to get back into my natural frame of mind before the outside world shaped it. My mind is my body, where ever my mind is, this will shape my body and my external reality. But If I let the education system, the media, and other outside forces to tell me what is reality, then my own mind is either closed or filled with self-limiting beliefs.
I began to look back, I wanted to see what drove me crazy, the idea of going on a spiritual journey. I had a part of me that felt like humans including myself are living lies. Facing our truth is too scary and we think we will disappoint others including ourselves.
What is the cause of my sadness, loneliness, anxiety, or depression right now even though life seems fine? Why do I keep desiring more and why do I still feel unsatisfied with myself? We can dig deeper into that place of emptiness, this unsettled unfulfilled place.
I starved my ego! This is the best way that I can describe my personal journey to unconditional love and compassion for all life. I had to die, my false identity that I carried around with me to prove I am me. I did it by starving my body from its external desires until my ego conformed to what my heart intends.
My desire for fame, acknowlegment, recognition, admiration, drugs, partying, lust, constant pleasures, self-importance, and lots of money had to be starved just for a bit to witness my spiritual self. I can add sex but that never went away, I had to use my sexual energy for creative endeavors which kept me busy. I have a wife so I had to cut it down to once a week until I reached enlightenment.
This can be very difficult because of society’s oversexualized media, so I had to avoid TV and the news for a while. This can also be very challenging because of the ego, the body is striving to survive, the mind needs constant stimulation. The ego is striving to make us feel like it exists, so we buy more things to feel important. Most of the things we constantly buy we do not truly care about, it can only seem exciting because we can show it off. I never said that this was going to be easy, but like I said this was my way, I had to let my brian and body know who is boss.
My personality disorders include narcissistic grandeur and borderline schizophrenia. Well, since my personality is also a product of my past painful experiences, then I am aware of my fears. We are not locked into our personality, we change every day. The brain tries to keep a copy of our identities that we created, organized and put together so that we are able to communicate with others. I am not the same person from yesterday or even 4 minutes ago. My brain keeps tabs of my past memories to remember (the actor) the personality.
So even the narcissist within me is an actor playing his role to have an effect on others, hopefully for them to learn and grow stronger mentally and spiritually. Everyone serves a higher purpose beyond our mundane moments in life. With a higher self-awareness, I am now able to tame my actor. When the desire for recognition, self-gratification, self-importance, and acknowledgment arises, I calm my self down.
Since this is the case then I am no longer a slave to the actor, I am also the original pure spirit that watched my physical body being conceived into the womb, then I enter the fetus at a certain stage. This is my consciousness that I am willing to explain. Yea I was there at the big bang, my physical parents getting it on..
I can forgive myself because I noticed that my humanity is the flaw, there was no point of trying to be a better human, instead be all of who I am spirit and ego. I did not come to earth to be a perfect human when I knew choosing to be a human was going to be my challenge. My spiritual self is already pure and at a divine infinite perfected state. I got bored in heaven, so I signed a contract to experience being a human, that’s why it’s a temporary experience.
Point is we are the actor and the creator as one, we must keep working on our heart center. How can I find compassion for myself, what actions do I need to take? How can I experience unconditional love for myself, what new ways of perceiving things can help me become intimate with myself and the universe within?
Being consistent and persistent by practicing showing compassion even if I did not care, and loving and accepting myself regardless of my flaws slowly warmed and opened up my heart. It’s amazing how we are loving beings when we move the pain and junk from our heart.
As a narcissist, vanity and pride were driving my desires. Once I began to work on myself with mental focus and self-dedication, I began to experience a more compassionate version of myself, and I did not have to change my personality, just find my balance.
There are things I can change about me, and somethings I can not. Then there are things I do less of to keep the peace. In order to be united within, we must love all of who we are, and accept ourselves regardless of past mistakes. I no longer have an image to keep up so no point in judging and criticizing myself harshly. You are perfect as you are right now.
I learned to use the good and bad side of my personality to survive. This means I know when to be kind, humble and sincere, and when to stand up and fight for what I believe in.
My Free Ebook https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Mumin_Godwin_The_Recovered_Narcissist?id=U2GhDwAAQBAJ
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