What Happens When I Let My Loneliness Make Decisions For Me
When I’m feeling like my normal self I think positively about dating, myself, and the world. I have hope! On the other hand, when I’m feeling extreme loneliness, my outlook is bleak. I think I’m unlovable, that I’ll never find love, and that no one cares about me. It’s quite dark! Here’s what happens when I let that loneliness call the shots:
I want to distinguish between healthy and non-healthy loneliness. Loneliness isn’t inherently wrong. In fact, it can be really healthy to sit with a degree of it. It can cause us to be reflective, sitting with ourselves in a loving way. There’s this healthy version of loneliness, that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to touch on the loneliness that eats away at one’s soul. It very much does this to me; it can be toxic.
Toxic loneliness takes a toll on me. It can happen quickly or develop over time, mine’s a bit of a mix. Inevitably, though, when this kind of loneliness creeps in I’m in for trouble. It takes a toll on my psyche, exhausting me and leaving me feeling all sorts of negative things. I feel like I’m drowning in it with no sign of possible escape. That’s the thing, loneliness often feels like it’ll never go away.
I constantly felt alone in crowded rooms. One sign that loneliness is seeping in is when I feel alone everywhere that I go, even when I’m surrounded by people. This feeling is even more jarring than feeling lonely while alone because I feel as if I “should” be connecting. I feel like I “should” be feeling something different than I do. This experience causes me to think that I’m going crazy.
I forget my inherent worth. It slips out of my mind that I’m a worthwhile human being when I’m super lonely. I start to throw myself a pity party because I think I’m like the worst person ever. My self-esteem really takes a nose dive, then I start acting out of that place, doing things that don’t reflect self-love. An example is not sleeping enough. When I know how lovable and worthy I am, this isn’t a problem.
I settled for less. Since I can get so lonely with no hopes of the future ever getting better, I figure I might as well have someone, anyone, on the ride with me. So, I’ll grab a person who’s probably toxic for me or at the very least not good for me. In this case, my loneliness is in the driver’s seat, picking up passengers that don’t keep the car very clean. Settling for less than I deserve is much more likely to happen when I’m feeling lonely.
I have compulsive sex. One of the most painful things about being super lonely is that I often try to fix it through sex. I try to force intimacy through sex with a stranger. This sort of behavior is compulsive because I know logically that it isn’t a good idea, but when I’m letting loneliness make decisions for me it brings me right into someone’s bed.
I lose faith in love. Normally, I’m a hopeless romantic. I think that love is always right around the corner for me. When I’m in the throes of loneliness, though, my outlook gets dark. I lose faith that I’ll ever find someone to love who will love me. I see the future as bleak. This affects my life because I’m probably scaring off potential prospects with my negativity and making myself unhappy in the process.
My disordered eating flares up. When I’m super lonely with no sight of feeling better, I often turn to food. I control it, restrict it, and binge it. It’s not healthy; my eating disorders really flare up. Normally I have a really good relationship with food, but if I feel too alone, my coping mechanisms go haywire.
I isolate even further. It makes no sense, but when I feel like no one is there I often lock myself in my house and draw the shades. I take isolation to another level because I’m already feeling like there isn’t a cure for my loneliness. I don’t always do this, but it definitely can happen, especially like after a breakup or when dating isn’t going how I want it to.
I tell myself no one cares about me. This is probably one of the worst parts of letting my loneliness make decisions for me. It’s a very mean leader. It tells me that everyone hates me and that I’m a piece of crap. It tells me that I’m not cared about by anyone, so I might as well die alone.
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