Your Darkness Is Exactly What You Need to Thrive
I didn’t want to feel it. Like, I really, really, did not want to feel it. I couldn’t bear the thought of even slightly feeling that you didn’t and couldn’t love me.
And so I stuffed it, I stuffed it down hard. I was a child, a child who couldn’t understand why you couldn’t and didn’t love me and who felt her very existence could be obliterated if she allowed herself to feel that you did not and could not love me. Fast forward 10 years and you had an adult girl who had not allowed herself to feel those feelings or any feelings that felt “bad.”
I swallowed grief, stuffed pain, repressed heartbreak and replaced it instead with a smile. I have been gifted with – for whatever reason – a huge smile. And so, it’s easy for me to put on that big smile and keep moving forward. And so, I smiled. A lot.
I even felt embarrassed when I couldn’t smile in the way that you or someone else needed me to. In a way that says it’s okay, the pain will pass and I’ll forget about it all anyway, stuffing it down with my other repressed emotions, so nevermind about any of it. But life has its ways, it’s ways of bringing to you exactly what you need to feel exactly, especially when you don’t want to feel it.
So I had to have a crisis. Health crisis. Relationship crisis. Drama. Pain. More heartbreak. And then, slowly over time I was led to practices and tools and healers that helped me learn how to feel more and more. I started off by first having to recognize what feelings I was even having. I was so disconnected from my feelings that I often had no idea what the feeling was in the first place.
Then I learned about how feelings and thoughts work together and that feelings are actually information about the quality of the thoughts I was thinking. That was life-changing for me and got me paying more attention to the words I spoke and what thoughts I allowed myself to stew on.
Still, as is always the case, there was more work to do.
In my mid-30’s I was delivered a relationship that so clearly modeled what I had been raised in and the dynamic between my mother and father that forced open some deeply rooted childhood pain that I had repressed way, way down.
Suddenly I was surrounded by my pain in a way I had not known before. I couldn’t run from it anymore. I had to stop and feel. I had to be present to the pain. Not the pain of the break-up, but to the pain of my little girl who just could not have the stable, loving home that she needed.
Now here’s where the story gets really, really interesting, and dare I say — really, really good.
Out of that pain, out of having to stop dead in my tracks and feel, came my biggest opening. From that, my work as a healer shifted into my work as a spiritual guide and channel. I began to work with my inner little girl on the daily to reparent her and give those split off and stuffed places within me light. My breath expanded. I softened. My heart opened more. I danced more often and began to spend more of my time in nature.
The light of who I truly am began to shine more brightly.
I bought and moved into my dream house, my income doubled, my work expanded while it deepened in supporting only the select Souls I’m truly here to support.
Everything changed because I opened. I allowed myself to feel and be present to, hold and nurture those dark, un-lit parts of myself and when I did my whole life began to expand because of it. It was scary, it was hard and in some ways it was some of the toughest “work” I’ve ever done. But big, tough work has huge, amazing rewards. I didn’t know that then, but I’m so happy that I kept leaning in and letting myself feel and open.
I’m going to share something with you now that might seem radical, but here it is.
The only “reason” anything is going “wrong” in your life is simply because you are receiving an invitation to go deeper into who you really are. To go deeper into who you really are you must address those shadowy or what might be called dark places. You don’t have to re-live them, you simply must give merit to, acknowledge and be present for the unfelt and repressed emotions within. When you do this you are lightened literally and figuratively. When you are filled with more light and less density, more of what is light is magnetized to you through the law of magnetism (more on that to follow in the future).
It is literally by going through our darkness that the light of who we truly are can be seen and made manifest in our lives. And folks, it’s the only way. We cannot bypass it, we cannot go around it, we cannot avoid it. We can try – I certainly did. But time and time again life will bring you the perfect shitshow so that you will have no choice but to feel it, to be present to it and to allow the true Light of who you really are to shine forth.
And – get this – that will be the biggest gift of all. For you and for all of us.
So, thank you – in advance – for doing your work so that more light can inhabit this Earth plane. We need you.
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