Meditation Is A Practice
Meditation is a practise, looking towards the sky at the trees, I think to myself “my eyes should be shut.” I was captivated by the dance between the leaves, enriched with the fresh oxygen in the air.
Life is a balance, what works for you right now at this stage may not work for you, 10 years, 10 days, 10 minutes later down the line.
Scouting for memories has become a natural habit. Meaning, I look for those moments that make me FEEL the I AM PRESENCE. My connection to God, The Divine, Source has been a journey much bigger than myself.
I understand this is all for a bigger picture and I understand and accept that sacrifice is a part of the play along the way.
I encountered a moment, an intense feeling before falling asleep one-night last year (2019). I was shown the extent of his love, the mercy, the forgiveness, the pain. But most of all the understanding that this was the only way. When you have pain that runs so deep that you almost feel faithless (Jhene Aiko: 2018). Understanding can bring around compassion. Acknowledging can bring a sense of peace… I was raped at the beginning of 2019, and this encounter with God and Christ consciousness helped me develop a greater understanding. Forgiveness became a journey I started to walk down. I understood that I would never be able to take away what happened to me. The regret, the what-ifs, the self-blame, the anger, the self-hatred. But during the midst of pain, I was able to open up my heart, I learnt to become a vessel of love and light.
I faced my demons, and looking at them face on, I then realised they weren’t so scary anymore. When you open up your mind and heart and tune into your intuition, (something I had been ignoring for so long due to whatever pressures I was putting myself under). I came to realise the signs were all around me, the beauty was all around me. The angels, the ancestors were holding onto me. We are beings of free will, we all make choices and divine intervention can only intervene so much. But I knew on that night in 2019 there had been so many signs that were trying to guide me away from what would have become of that situation.
Yet, here I am closer to God than ever before. Many people will fall into darkness and depression, but I was already there when this situation happened to me. I already knew that wasn’t the way, and this shit show was the reality that hit me.
I remember waking up the night after it happened, thinking maybe it was a bad dream, a nightmare. But my body was a reminder of the trauma that had happened to me. The physical and emotional pain lasted weeks. Days went by and I could still feel the physical pain. I couldn’t escape it with alcohol nor drugs as that was what got me into this mess in the first place. Constantly hiding and running away from my reality, my fears. I knew the only way to survive was to regain my power.
So I began with self-reflecting, diving deep within me reminding myself of the many versions I had once been. The countless phases within my life where I was trying to find myself, trying to become something. Constantly running and chasing after my dreams, people, love, happiness. Ultimately there had been many times in my life when I was able to become again through meditation.
Out of body experiences were battled with sitting still and focusing on my breath. Breathing in and out, listening to my surroundings, picturing a mountain so strong in all its stillness. I always found myself coming back to this simple practise whenever I encountered turmoil. Here I am again, meditating during a life changing moment within my life.
Fast forward a year later and it is the full moon in Libra. 7 April 2020.
There has been a pandemic and I am ”stuck” in the best place I could possibly be. 11,386 miles away from home, (London, UK), I am here in Auckland New Zealand. Breathing in 20 acres of beautiful land. Staying at a retreat surrounded by people who have affected my life in the most positive ways imaginable. Simple gratitude doesn’t seem like enough. My mind races to think of the bigger picture of it all, why are we all here in this one place together during a pandemic? This is literal paradise! So many scenarios of could if and what ifs, but bringing my focus back to the breath every single day keeps me grounded within this space.
I do miss my home, the familiarity of it all. Sadly though, home is where the trauma happened and its hard to look at it the same ever again.
But I find that I am no longer running. I am becoming, I am being. I am living. Being ”stuck” here feels much better than being trapped back home in an environment that wasn’t feeding my soul in anyway shape or form.
I find myself finding peace with the energies. Crystals healed me, love healed me, my mother’s hugs, food, shelter, people, NZ SPIRIT Festivals. Creating and manifesting the reality I wanted rather than running away and escaping the reality of what was.
Slowing down, going back to the breath, breathing and focusing. Setting daily intentions. Taking it a day at a time. I no longer rush towards my dreams because in a weird way I am already living it.
I love my life and I wouldn’t change if for the world. Thank you for all of your support, thank you to everyone who guided and supported me throughout this one year journey. For so long I was trying to do everything myself until I realised opening up, being vulnerable and accepting help from others doesn’t make you weak. Solo independence doesn’t make you strong.
At the end of the day, all we have is ourselves. Only we can make the necessary changes, only we can take action on our actions to create change. People can give you the keys, but it is only YOU who can unlock the doors.
Be gentle and be kind to yourself.
Spread love and joy, but start within.
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