Marriage Solutions To The Rescue
Husband and wife are two unique individuals who have their own personalities. They decide to unite for a lifetime and become one, when tied in the knot of marriage! They become life-partners and together share their happiness and pain in life.
The couple begins their new journey with lot of aspirations, having ample of consideration and appreciation for each other. They nurture their married life with love and care, and in no time get deeply attached to each other, to such an extent that they do not with anyone else. They get over the ups and downs in life by supporting each other.
So what happens then?
How does such a loving relationship run into problems?
What are the reasons behind marital problems?
The Gnani Purush (Self-Realized one) provides a scientific explanation for the core reasons behind most marital problems:
• From attachment, rise expectations.
• And when expectations are not met, we tend to become insistent in matters related to our spouse.
• This leads to clashes between the two and both end up forming opinions for each other.
• The opinions get stronger and firmer with every new clash and slowly the feeling to separate could creep in.
Thus, our expectations, our insistence, and our opinions are the 3 main possible reasons behind most marital problems. And these reasons can be eliminated, provided we have a clear determination to do so.
In today’s article, we shall try and discuss the solutions, which are in the form of simple understanding that need to be applied, in order to help dissolve the current as well as potential marital problems.
1. Learning to adjust:
If one person is pulling the rope in the north direction and the other in the south direction, can harmony exist between the two? Certainly not!
So whoever wants harmony in the relationship, what should (s)he do?
Let it loose and let go in the direction in which your spouse is trying to pull. You can maintain your inner intent and effort that ‘it would be good if we move north.’ But thereafter, if you see things going south, accept it and adjust. We want to learn to adjust in a manner whereby the pulls, the accusations, the harsh opinions for each other, etc. find no scope at all in our marital relationship. That is what is called a harmonious relationship.
And if such a harmonious relationship is what we aspire, we should make a firm resolve that, ‘I want to adjust to my partner in a manner that he / she never feels hurt by me.’
When our inner machinery starts working on ‘how do I adjust with my partner to make our marital life a roller-coaster ride’, our common sense naturally blooms and our problem-solving skills improve. The more we adjust, the more we overcome our weaknesses; and we develop a mental power such that we can face any situation without fear. We cultivate the ability to come out of any circumstance, no matter how adverse it may be, without putting ourselves or our life-partner into any kind of difficulty.
2. Developing the awareness:
In every instance, if we try to remain aware that ‘If I do this then:
• would it create any difficulty for my spouse?,
• would it increase my partner’s problems? or
• would it bother him / her in any way whatsoever?’ then,
our home will become a heaven. Having consideration for each other’s problems goes a long way in building a healthy relationship. But we will have to take the first step.
With such awareness, understanding will reside and compassion will preside in all our behavior.
There will be no fights, no quarrels, no anger, no accusations. Instead, we will see the willingness in both the parties to put each other’s needs before the individual wants.
3. Communicating with openness and honesty
Your spouse is your best friend! Whenever a clash happens, the simple solution is:
• Sit with your spouse 1:1 for a few minutes and discuss the matter with an open mind.
• Converse with your partner directly, with clarity and no ambiguity.
• If there is some behavior of your partner that you did not like, ask your partner ‘what happened? Please help me understand the matter, and you too understand where I am coming from.’ This way, you will get the right perspective of things.
• Explain your viewpoint to your better-half such that he / she understands it properly, ‘Look, my viewpoint on the matter is this. Can you explain to me your viewpoint?’
• Thereafter, listen to your partner’s viewpoint, very patiently and attentively. This is an important step as you will get to know a lot of information that you were not aware of.
• And now, try to analyze the A to Z positives of your partner’s viewpoint.
Doing so, we are able to understand the situation rightly, and can amicably solve the clash.
4. Try to weld, not wedge
A conversation with our partner on the clash helps, but many a times the intellect and the ego do not allow us to do that, to a point where we do not even like talking to our partner on any matter whatsoever. This is because of the wall of opinions that stands in between. We can break that wall with introspection!
Whenever a clash happens, analyze ‘where did I go wrong?’
• What did I do to instigate my partner to get angry?
• The way I behaved with my spouse, would I have liked if my spouse behaved with me that way?
• Where did I behave rudely with my partner?
And say, we are unable to get the answers; and, if our spouse is an understanding one, we can heartily approach him / her and discuss, ‘Can you tell me, how have I made a mistake. I cannot figure it out, will you please help me?’
When we develop the art of finding out and accepting our mistakes in every clash, we are able to resolve clashes very rapidly. By seeing our faults and rectifying them, we are trying to make the relationship, and by seeing the faults of our spouse and placing the blame on him / her, we set out to break the relationship. The choice is ours…
5. Cleaning the clash asap
Always remember to clean the clash as soon as possible. Otherwise, gradually, opinions begin to form, after which negativity creeps in. As a result, a feeling of separating starts developing.
How do you clean the clash?
• Repent within, heartily and earnestly, for all your mistakes that directly or indirectly caused the clash.
• Resolve, ‘I do not want to get into any clash hereafter.’
Clashes may happen again. Do not worry! Just continue to clean the clash in the same manner, and you will win over all the clashes one day!
6. If our mind is separating from our partner…
With whom are we trying to create separation? With our life-partner, our beloved soulmate?!
o Resolve that ‘I don’t want any separation to occur between us.’
o Recall every event which is responsible for such feeling to separate, and repent heartily for each instance of conflict. Sit for an hour or two and repent until you feel lighter. Maintain this practice until your inner hurt is healed completely.
o Forgive your partner with the understanding that ‘whatever he / she did is due to the pressure of the circumstances.’
o If we have resolved that:
I do not want to get into any clash, and
if I do get into a clash, then I do not want to create any separation,
doing repentance with these two resolves will prove very fruitful.
We will no more have any feeling of separation with our partner and the clashes too will reduce.
No fun without trust in a relationship
Trust is the soul of every relationship. Without trust, every word is misunderstood and with trust, even silence is understood. Our 100% loyalty to our spouse with the mind, speech and body is predominantly the prerogative of our spouse. We must never indulge into any activity that deceives our partner, and breaches his / her faith in us.
Thus, adopting and harnessing the right understanding, given to us by the Gnani, the Enlightened One, in our life will automatically do away with the reasons, that are responsible for marital problems, at large. And if you think it is still not working out, do not fear. You can meet the living Gnani!! He can help you get your married life back on track.
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