What Happens When We Confuse Sexual Desire With Love
In our culture, we often have a hard time differentiating between our platonic, deep love for someone and our sexual desire for them. As tiny humans, we knew what it meant to love with our hearts wide open and to offer and receive love willingly and without condition. We were unencumbered to love fully – without any sexual implications.
And then, life happens right?
It’s Painful When Our Big Love Is Rejected
Hurt happens, pain, wounds, trauma, protection and maybe, we learn that the world doesn’t really want our love. The world doesn’t need our love. Maybe we feel like there is no place for our love on this big planet of ours. Maybe we learn, that the way the world can feel and receive our love is only by us giving something of ourselves – something that maybe, we don’t even want to give.
How We Learn The Power of Our Sexuality
Maybe we learn that it’s not enough to just emanate our warmth, our genuineness, our humor, and our creativity. Maybe we learn that being who we really are doesn’t meet the wide, open, gaping vacuum that exists within most human hearts. Maybe we learn that most people are so empty – that they crave more, they take more and demand more from us. And since we want their love, we give it to them – willingly. We tell them we will fill their gaping holes of lostness and empty. Not only will we fill those holes, but we will shovel great heaps of ourselves into them in hopes they will somehow come out whole. Maybe we become convinced that the only way they will feel whole, is if we give all of ourselves to them – body, heart, mind and soul. And this is how we learn the power of our sexuality.
We’re Taught to Use Sexuality To Express Love
But what if we confuse sexual intimacy with big-hearted love? What if we believe that in order to love someone, we have to be sexually intimate with them? What if our western culture has taught us, that sexuality is the most effective may to communicate deep, intimate love with another human? What if our sexual attention and desire is what others humans have come to expect from us if we truly love them? How do we navigate the confusing waters of sexual intimacy and love?
True Love Means Healing Fragmentation
If we have the tendency to want to heap ourselves into another person to make them feel better, most likely, genuine love is a long and uncomfortable cross-country road trip from that tendency. The desire to heap our fragmented parts onto another person’s fragmented parts can easily masquerade as intimate love, when it truth, it speaks to our own gaping holes of unworthiness and disbelief in ourselves. This desire can say a lot about our own care, deep concern, love, compassion, tenderness and more – but true, intimate love, comes from a mutual balance, a deep respect of the other, an honoring, an allowing, a meeting place that is so rich with each person bringing their whole self forward that there is no fragmentation.
We Don’t Have To Exchange Anything To Be Loved
From this meeting place, we can begin to distinguish love from sexual desire – we can begin to grow a genuine flame of passion that arises from wholeness. And then, we may be able to more clearly see who it is that we desire to walk alongside of us as our partners and lovers, and who we wish to deeply care for as cherished friends. We can then perhaps learn that the gifts we have to offer and radiate, run much deeper than pieces of our culturally combed sexuality.
We can know that we don’t have to exchange anything to be loved or valued and, we can know that we do not have to give up pieces of ourselves to let another know they are loved and valued. We no longer have to heap pieces of ourselves onto another so they can become whole. (Pro Tip: It doesn’t work anyway.) We can begin to cultivate many more relationships that are built on a balanced meeting place of genuine love – rather than a confused sexual encounter.
How To Recognize Our Beloved
When we come together from a place of wholeness, we no longer have to bump our heads together (or more accurately, our most private bits) in the attempt to try and find something or fill something. We can approach another with one whole, shining brilliant heart in our hands. We can recognize our beloved – not by our desire to fill them or fix them but by our ability to step back and see them shining in all their brilliance – a blazing sun in their own beautiful, brilliant galaxy.
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