Why Can’t I Find Love?

This is a question I hear all the time from single people. It is a puzzle to us why they cannot connect with the people they are attracted to. We all analyze all the reasons why we have such “bad luck” at love. I came across a person who told me “I’m in love with love, that’s why I cannot find a lover.” Dreaming about loving and being loved is something we all do but it is not the element missing or the cause of why a friend couldn’t find a relationship. I saw she was missing something; perhaps the most important element to have a relationship…love for self. She was so depleted from this amazing energy that she could not see what was missing inside of her.

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1) Love yourself

I have learned that when it comes to romantic relationships, there are three kinds of love that are needed. The number one love is the chemistry attraction. This is the love that we all crave. This is the chemistry attraction that makes you lose your mind. This attraction overrides your logic and traps you and blinds you. I think this is the most pleasurable love because the chemical released in your brain (dopamine) makes you high, giddy, energetic, and euphoric. The second kind of love is when you understand that the relationship needs caring and the “high” is gone and love becomes a “sacrifice” to maintain the relationship going. This is the most rewarding love because out of it, other loves come into your life like the love of your children and family.

And the third kind of love, the most important kind, is love for self. This is the love we hear about “if you don’t love yourself, how can you expect others to love you?” Many of us get stuck right here on this statement because we do not comprehend how to love ourselves. This is the kind of love I want to talk about. Loving me? What does that mean? What does it look like? What do I do to love myself? This is where your spiritual journey will take you, to look inside and learn how to love yourself.

Having a broken heart after a failed relationship depletes a person of the energy needed to love themselves. I learned this the hard way when I had a relationship that drained me of my self-esteem. I was unaware of this and got involved with “the wrong person” just to find myself in pain and not understanding why I was hurting inside. When this person started to “romance” me, I completely rejected him because I knew he was in a relationship. But the more I rejected him, the more he inserted himself into my life. There was something about his persistence that made me think that he really cared for me and I thought, maybe, just maybe, he may leave his fiancée for me. So I let him inside my heart and believed him when he said that his intentions were to care for me. Little by little, he started to take and take, and his promises never materialized. I found myself deep in the mud with nothing to show for. I became so angry that the intense love I had for this person became deep resentment. I couldn’t stand myself for believing the lies and to pacify my anger, I started to eat like there was no tomorrow.

It was several months later and 20 pounds heavier when I understood I needed to look inside to see why I had allowed this person into my life. I knew I was worth it. Why couldn’t I find a person who wanted to love me? Why was I attracting these vampires that would take my energy, love, and desire to live? They only wanted to suck the life out of me and when I couldn’t give anymore, then they would leave me. And that’s when I let the Light come inside my broken heart to heal me. That’s when the Light showed me 5 steps I needed to take to heal my heart and love myself:

2) Taking responsibility

Yes, I had allowed this man inside my heart and I needed to take responsibility for it. That meant that I understood that there would be consequences. Taking responsibility didn’t mean to feel guilty or ashamed for wanting to love. It didn’t mean feeling guilty for believing the lies this man told me. It didn’t mean feeling ashamed for wanting to be loved.

When I get a cold, I know that there will be consequences like perhaps taking a sick day and buying cold medication, and staying in bed. I do not feel guilty or ashamed for getting sick. I understand getting sick is something that happens and I just take the steps to heal myself. The same needs to happen when I make a mistake by opening my heart to the wrong person. I know there will be consequences like feeling angry, sad, ashamed, guilty, and even empty. When I realize I get these symptoms, I turn to the Light to heal me from the pain, and instead of feeling these negative emotions, I pray to feel forgiveness, gratitude, freedom, kindness, and especially to be filled with love.

3) Acceptance

This is a hard one. Accepting that loves from the past need to be let go when you desperately need their love is almost impossible when your heart is depleted from love. “How can I go on without him?” Truth be told, time goes by and it doesn’t ask you if you want to move on or not. All of a sudden you realize you’ve been waiting for this man to come back because he loved you, he said so…but the phone never rings, the texts never arrive, the emails never get delivered. After this man pursued you like there was no tomorrow, now he’s disappeared as if the earth swallowed him. All of a sudden you hear his name being mentioned and you hear that he’s moved on.

Did you imagine his love? Did you misinterpret his words? No question will ever have a satisfactory answer. The agony of knowing the truth will kill you if you do not decide to accept that it is okay to let go. Yes, you heard me, it is perfectly okay if this love wasn’t meant to stay. And whenever the longing for this man’s love comes to mind, take a deep breath and say a quick prayer: “Thank you for allowing me to know love, now allow me to love myself by accepting this love wasn’t meant to stay. I accept the past and choose to love me in the present.” Having this attitude is acceptance and it will bring you peace.

4) Forgiveness

I believe that forgiveness is a gift from heaven. Nobody willingly forgives another person just because it is “the right thing to do”. Unless you ask the Light in humility to give you the strength to forgive, you will never feel the desire to do it. And why do I want to forgive? Because forgiving is an act of love for me. By forgiving I am saying, I do not deserve to carry in my body, soul, and spirit this negative energy that only makes me sick. Unforgiveness and resentment are negative energy that takes away my desire to live. Why would I agree to have a tumor in my heart when I know this will kill me?

The same is true with unforgiveness and resentment. They will suck away your positive energy and your life will fade away in front of your eyes. Forgiveness is an act of love for you, and for the people around you. Forgiving ourselves for having loved a person who wasn’t meant to stay takes a lot of courage, but the Light is always there to help us do it when we honestly ask for it. Forgiveness will take away the anger in your heart and bring back kindness and peace into your life.

5) Gratitude

When I learned to practice gratitude, I didn’t know I had to be grateful for myself. It was easy to say, thank you for my home and my job, and my education. But saying thank you for my essence, what makes me who I am was really difficult. The reason why was because I didn’t think I was worthy. It was a secret I kept in a locked place deep inside my heart. The funny thing about this is that people knew I did not appreciate myself because I put myself down all the time, especially when I got a compliment. My behavior spoke loud and clear. Repeating every morning that I was grateful for the person I became was uncomfortable at first. But little by little I started to believe it.

I can honestly say now that I am grateful for my essence. I am that person who is a survivor, a fighter, a lover of life, a connector to the Light, an inspiration to myself. It is fun to be me. It is inspiring to see how I do things. It is amazing to see how my brain works. This gratitude is not a selfish pride but an acknowledgment, a recognition, and a respect for this living thing inside of me that manifests in many forms. Gratitude is the door that will allow you to understand how to love yourself. Gratitude is this energy that will center you to see yourself and the world around you as the place where you can see your purpose for living and loving yourself.

6) Validation

A lot of us in our spiritual journey come to understand that we need validation. In an effort to get this validation, sometimes we make the mistake of looking for it in a relationship because “this person really gets me and sees me.” But the truth of the matter is that no relationship will validate our existence. Validation is something that comes from within when we accept who we are and are grateful for the person we have become. There are times when we need to validate ourselves constantly, especially when we are expanding our horizons and experiencing new things. When we understand this, we must take the time to validate ourselves often. Validating yourself is not a selfish act, but a sign that you are loving yourself. This kind of validation sometimes goes along when you are learning a new skill or doing something that you always wanted to do.

I recently started a show on YouTube. It was something that I always wanted to do. I wanted to write and produce stories that mattered to me. Now that I am a producer, I look at my essence and I am very grateful for the connection I am making with the people who need positive energy. It’s hard work but every time I release an episode, I validate myself by understanding that connecting to other people through this show gives meaning to my life. I feel like my life has a purpose. That validation was always there, I just needed to ask the Light to give me the courage to walk the path where I could connect to others in a way that gave meaning to my life.

Loving myself is inviting all these types of positive energy to heal me so the pain goes away. Loving myself is seeking peace because that is the place where my mind works best. Loving myself is inviting the Light into my life and shedding the negative energy. Loving myself is a fun journey with the Light where I discover every day who I am and what is my purpose on this earth. Loving myself is asking the Light for healing and letting go of the past.

When you learn to love yourself, the positive energy of the Light will guide you to meet people who are on the same wavelength who will accept you, embrace you, and love you just the way you are.