Looking Through Both Mirrors: The Loss And Peace Of Finding One’s Self Again

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I sat across from this man that I admire, this caretaker, this saviour and he said to me “I am SO proud of you”. He eludes to the fact that 12 months ago I wouldn’t have been able to be so strong, so brave and he is right. When your life takes a mighty fail and you never think you’ll stand again the world seems over and everything seems pointless. In that moment a year ago I walked into the office with arm outstretched and I admitted finally to myself that I needed help. That finally this little life hiccup had become more like an earth shattering earthquake inside me. I lost sight of the future and I lost sight of anything that once mattered. I let life kick me in the stomach and instead of trying to get up I just stayed down there because it seemed safer however ironic that may be.

There’s no first-aid kit for when life lets you down or even worse when you let yourself down. No bandage or magic antiseptic that can take the pain away. Sometimes deep inside your stomach you can feel something bad is coming but you know there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You just have to wait it out, assess the damage and hope you come out alive. I put all my pride and passion into my work and when I felt I had lost control of my work situation I quickly slid down a slippery slope of self loathing and and hedonistic behaviours to exorcise the emotional turmoil and frustration I had inside.

Nothing seems to go right today because it never does. I’ve spent so much of my life prepared for the worst that can happen. Prepared to live life alone. Prepared to never be happy. Prepared to live day by day. Because isn’t that what life has now become? A game played day by day? Some of us tow the line and never think about stepping outside of it.

Falling down hard flat on my face again, I stood up bloody knees and red faced and decided that I can just keep playing the game our workplaces, our families, our friends and families want us to play or I can play my own game, a different game.

A new game. One where I can value my uniqueness, try to fall in love again with the free spirited weird looking charismatic girl I know I once was and can be again. In order to rise again I had to let that broken, hurt part of me die a little inside and out. When the world goes dark you can’t see all the flickers of light from all the amazing things you’ve achieved or experienced you just see nothing until there is nothing at all. And in this new game I am going to be less hard on my bad habits, on body, on how face looks, on being perfect.

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I used to always say there was something so beautiful about being perfectly imperfect but I guess this society and even those around us have told us not to think so highly of ourselves.

This body and this my brain and this soul are mine and mine alone and I’m stuck with them and now it’s time for me to let go of the hurtful things I let myself do to myself and the hurt I allowed others to do also. I’m certainly nowhere near loving myself but what I am is aware and mindful of myself. I am letting myself feel and letting myself experience emotion and making peace with that which I cannot change about myself and that which I cannot change around me. No one owns me, and baby no one owns you either. They don’t. Let’s define ourselves, that’s the only definition that counts.

Photo by JR Korpa

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