I’m Uncomfortable, But Maybe That’s Okay
I have been scared. And nervous. But mostly scared. And also, pretty nervous.
It’s a cycle that I go through every so often, and in the moment, it seems extremely unnecessary. But honestly, the fact that I find it unnecessary is simply an indication that I have further to go. I have more to learn and more to endure and more life to lead. Finding yourself is hard work. I spend so much of my time preaching on cosmic timing and the universe working in my favor, and I believe both of those things to be undoubtedly true. Sometimes I find myself forgetting that just because the universe is rooting for me does not necessarily mean it will give me what I want. Instead, it gives me what I need.
This means a lot of things, but mostly it means tough love. This means crawling on glass to learn how to walk. This means shedding every aspect of my identity, thinking I’ve found myself and then starting the process all over again. This means discovering myself and living on a high and then losing myself the next week. It isn’t linear, and there is no pattern.
As I am sitting here writing this, I am filled with a need to ask the universe what exactly it wants from me. I want to know why I keep learning lessons the hard way. Why I am up late at night soul searching for something, anything, to tell me I’m on the right path. Why I am seeing signs everywhere I go, but they all seem to be pointing in different directions. Why I can’t seem to locate myself under all the things I am trying to be.
The universe has the answers for me but insists I learn them myself, and I trust that. However, the universe also gives me questions to answer in order to keep moving forward, to keep finding the puzzle pieces of myself in all that I do. So, here they are, questions from the universe to me, and subsequently, questions from the universe to you.
1. What do you need? Who is telling you that you need this? When you trace it back, is this coming from your soul or from a standard? From yourself or your family? Where do you feel this in your body? Is it in your stomach, twisting it into knots, or is it in your brain, tugging at some deep-rooted place you can’t quite pin down, or is it in your heart, fluttering every time you think about it? Or, maybe it’s strong and sure, rooted in the souls of your feet. Meditate on what you’re needing, feel it’s place in your body. Write down where you feel it and consider other feelings you tend to feel in that particular spot. Do this without judgement, only with a sense of curiosity.
2. What are you seeking from others? Is it love, reassurance, faith, encouragement? Think about the last time you gave yourself these things. Maybe it was months ago, maybe it was yesterday, or maybe you can’t remember the last time you told yourself that you were proud of all you’ve done. Sit with that feeling, let it teach you without allowing it to scold you.
3. When you sit and stare at the ocean, or the sky, or a horizon of mountains, where does your mind go? What are the things in your life that are distracting you from the world around you? Are they worth not feeling the wind on your face or tasting the salt on your lips? If they aren’t, determine what they are worth and how much of your focus you’re willing to give them. If they are, take a moment to breathe in your landscape and then allow your mind to return to these thoughts. Approach them with a sense of purpose and pinpoint what they mean to you and what you’re meant to learn from them.
I hope these questions find those who need to hear them and are passed on from the ones who don’t to the people in your life who you think might. They’re questions I have considered and dismissed because answering weighty questions means confronting those real and vulnerable and scary parts of yourself, but they also mean growth. Take your discomfort as a sign. This is us growing together.
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