If You Love Someone Should You Try To Change Them?
When we love someone truly, there remains no need to change that person; the transformation happens automatically and effortlessly!
Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan, the Enlightened being, while sharing His own experience, says, “People become wise with this weapon of love. I do not have to scold them. I do not mean to scold anyone. The only weapon I have is this love. ‘I mean to conquer this world with love’. I have laid down my arms. I have laid down my weapons of anger, pride, attachment and greed. The world wields these weapons of anger, pride, attachment and greed. I aim to conquer the world through love.”
Where there’s true love, one feels a total sense of oneness with them, there is no discrimination or difference. Such love creates a tremendous influence on someone we love. Then, just by seeing us, the other person is inspired to change, and accordingly the transformation happens. What kind of love is that? Let’s understand…
When someone is seen as faultless, that is when pure love will arise. When you see faults in the other person, you cannot love them.
One becomes an embodiment of love when one does not look for rules and regulations. If you look for rules and regulations, you cannot become the embodiment of love.
Love admits no division. When we try to change a person to become like us, there is a divide of ‘you’ and ‘mine’. As long as we look upon others as being separate from ourselves, we feel a sense of ‘mine’ and ‘yours’. As long as you keep differences with the other person, you will have attachment towards your own. Those for whom we have attachment, we consider ‘ours’ and those with whom we feel detachment, we consider as belonging to others. A person with this kind of discrimination can never become an embodiment of love.
Pure love increases in proportion to the decrease in differences experienced. So, what do we need to get rid of in order to develop pure love? One has to be rid of their differences so that pure love can arise. When the differences disappear completely, absolute, pure love is established. This is the only way.
Love is found wherever there is oneness! People usually say, ‘this is mine and that is yours!’ It is like a disease. Differences exist because of this disease. But when people depart from this world, is there any such thing as ‘mine’ and ‘yours’? Once this ‘disease’ is eradicated, one will become a personification of love.
Love is when there is no falling apart, no separation. It is called love when there is no discrimination. Such love is said to be within normal limits. If there is any difference in one’s love for another person, then it will fluctuate. It will increase when the other person does something good and decrease when he or she does something wrong. It deviates from normality. The real love does not take account of the other person’s actions. It only looks at the Self within that person.
Love is when one perceives the Self in the other person. Otherwise one will have to say, ‘you’. If you do not see ‘I’ in the other person, then you will see, ‘you’. Then there will always be a difference between you and others. For worldly interactions, you have to say ‘I’ and ‘you’, but in reality you should see ‘I’.
The nature of the Self (the real Self i.e. Soul) is love and with such a love, one forgets all one’s problems. Once bound through this love, nothing else can bind one.
As long as there is the ego of ‘I am’, there is selfishness. Wherever there is selfishness, there can never be love and wherever there is love, selfishness cannot exist there. Pure love, real love exists where there is no selfishness; where there are no feelings of ‘yours-mine’. Wherever there is a feeling of’ ‘yours-mine’, there is definitely selfishness as well as ignorance of the Self (the real Self). It is because of this ignorance that people have feelings of ‘this is mine and this is yours’.
When one acquires Gnan (Self-Realization), one ceases to have feelings of ‘mine and yours’
Self-Realization can be attained only from a Living Gnani, the Enlightened One. And until we happen to attain that, following are some very simple and straight-forward tips, that we can try!
In your love, maintain the following, says Gnani:
Minimize your expectations
Do not see faults of each other
Do not keep any negativity for your loved one
Never say anything negative about your partner to others. Always speak positive only
Do not hurt each other
Keep no conditions
If you err in any of the above, you sincerely repent for the same. When your loved one does not behave well with you, understand that, ‘This is due to my past karmic account. But I want to continue to love the Pure Soul (the Self) in him / her.’
Then, love will increase and will elevate to a higher level. And to sustain this love, both of you come to the Living Gnani Purush.
Leave your loved one’s moulding and development to the jeweller (the Expert)
Those who are expert at it will do the moulding. Gnani Purush is faultless, hence he can improve others; so take the person you love to this expert. In the company of his, you’ll get all the solutions!!!
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