I Am Miserable In My Marriage But Too Scared To Divorce Should I Just Grin And Bear It?
If the situation really demands it i.e. one is indeed in an extremely miserable condition of some kind Eg. If a woman’s husband is alcoholic, he doesn’t earn anything; on the contrary, he spends off all the money that she brings home, and over and above physically tortures her – in any such extreme cases, divorce can be taken instead of bearing the bad torture. But otherwise, generally in cases like dis-adjustment with in-laws, misunderstandings between each other or certain nature or temperament of spouse, etc, one should keep trying to find viable solutions to live a happy and peaceful life.
One gets married to get a lifelong companion through which one can fill their life with love and happiness. However, due to difference in their beliefs, thinking patterns, opinions and viewpoints, a couple often tends to differ in terms of the way they deal with different matters in life. Many times one is not able to adjust to these differences and even a little change asked from him / her seems like a very big compromise. In such a situation, one often gets a misconception that ‘I am miserable and divorce is the only way!’ And do you know, the moment this thought enters one’s mind that divorce is the way, he / she automatically loses whatever strength left to make adjustments and thus begins to overreact over trivial things and keeps strengthening the belief that ‘Yes, I am miserable.’ This is the case we want to learn to safeguard ourselves against, and hope this article proves useful to that effect.
Lack of understanding often leads to separation, which could ultimately end up in divorce
Differences between couples occur due to differences in opinion over how things or people are and how they should be. Invariably, these result in clashes, conflicts and discord between the two. And where there is lack of understanding, each one does not let go of their insistence, and hence all the discussions between them fail. Eventually they do not like to see each other and hence begin to drift apart.
So, do I just grin and bear?
No, do not tolerate, do not bear – bring about a solution. Even in this situation, when you are fed up with your spouse and you want to get separated, if someone speaks ill about your spouse, would you feel good. When external elements are against our family members, we become one. Then why fight amongst ourselves later when we are only two of us?
Most of the conflicts are due to petty reasons that can be solved very easily, if we have the right will to remain together and know the right skill to resolve these conflicts. Here are some tips in that direction:
• Enclose your quarrel within the four walls
Mostly it’s good to keep the problems of home within the four walls of your home.
• Keep calm when your spouse gets angry
When one gets angry, the other should remain calm and alert. This is a very important point to have in daily practice. If both lose their temper at a time, the damage could be irreversible.
• Focus on the positive traits
Very often we make the mistake of deeply focusing on the very few negative traits rather than relishing on so many positive qualities of our better half. The solution is you make a list of the positive things in your spouse and read it when you face problems with them. You will be pleasantly surprised that such a small step will bring an enormous positive change in your marriage.
• Do not tolerate, bring about a solution
To bear a problem is never a solution, because bearing is just like suppressing the spring, and the spring will surely bounce back one day. It is when one does not think, he has to tolerate it. If you think, then you will understand where the problem lies; you will realize what mistake you are making again and again. That will bring about a solution.
• Leave no room for discord
There should not be any room for discord between husband and wife. Two people living together are bound to have problems. But these problems are meant to be solved. Or else, as problems between the two of you increase, a separation between you will begin. And one must know there is immense pain in separation.
• Silence is not the solution
When people stop talking, it means there is a burden of not being able to resolve the problem. So talk! Talk frankly and fearlessly about the issues that are niggling you day and night but with an intent to work out a solution to live together amicably and not for pointing each other’s mistakes.
• Keep oneness
Oneness means ‘never to have a discord’. Even in your mind, you should not regard your spouse as a separate entity, nor should they feel separate from you. As soon as you feel a rift arising between the two of you, take the first step and talk to your spouse as if nothing has happened. Just this little step will ensure that the oneness is not broken.
• Remember that ‘we are under the vow to remain together’
To remain united is a promise we’ve made with our spouse. Unity means never having differences of opinion. Therefore, a spouse is that one person in the world with whom we must never have any differences.
• Adjust to your spouse
We all know how to adjust with weather, isn’t it? We use jackets when it is cold, umbrella in rains, air conditioner when it is too hot. So similarly can’t we adjust with our life partner to make our life peaceful? Sometimes we are holding onto our opinions or viewpoints too very tightly and therefore get into unnecessary clashes. It is like fighting for an ice cube that is going to get melted in a few minutes anyways. Hence, let go and adjust!
• Asking for forgiveness internally
When we ask for forgiveness from the Pure Soul residing within our spouse for all the hurt caused, our good vibrations will surely reach him / her. This helps release the negativity from us and from our spouse as well, that we’ve hoarded for against each other. Pratikraman (asking for forgiveness) is a powerful weapon for clearing all the problems from the relationship.
• Attain Self-realization
With Self-realization, you will obtain a unique vision, which will help you solve your marital problems with the right understanding. This is a very effective and valuable key not only to resolve your marital conflicts, but to resolve all kinds of problems in life.
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