I AM Legion

I think that I speak for myself as a unified front.

I imagine that I alone make all my decisions, mistakes and take great care to speak my success.

I am me . . . I am one . . . or so I thought just because I had one name!

But that’s not true is it? I have many names beginning at the birth one, then progressing through the naughty names when I was bad and the good names when I was obedient. After that, I became a number of names to different friends and according to my face and social crowd – I became idiot, troll, witch, bitch, whore, ho, tomboy, and many more unmentionables. I – the one – had gained momentum and I was fast becoming a village all on my own. Then the serious ones began to arrive in my reality and I was then daughter, mother, wife, ex-wife, sister, colleague, teacher and friend and my sense of ‘I’ was running downhill at a rate too fast to stop.

I looked back and barely caught a glimpse of the original ‘one’ left behind to make space for the rest.

I decided to work upon myself to make sense of all the confusion and to get a grip on why my life was so up and down and indescribably chaotic. I looked at me and realized that my village had become a crown that I wore on my head and I was at the head, I was the village leader and the voices of my villagers were loud and beseeching. I could not ignore them for they knew too much about me and they could blackmail me and hold me to ransom. They knew where I would cave and why and they told me what to do and all the while I looked out upon the gathering masses to see where my original One was.

No where to be seen.

At that moment I knew that I had lost my sense of self and my village had taken over and I was a puppet longing to be free from the entanglements and responsibilities. Responsibilities that made me take everyone of those villagers into consideration but never myself . . .

I had to find her – she held the key – she was the original. She was not my parent’s voice, nor my teacher’s. She was not my partners voice nor my guilt and doubt . . . She did not know doubt . . . she was left behind long ago when there was no doubt and fear and loss and grief and guilt and obligation and . . . and . .

She was my One.

I had become Legion and it was time to mute all the inhabitants of my village, so that I could hear her when she answered my call.

– Jaylee Balch –


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