How To Fall In Love & Love Deeply
How To Fall In Love and Love Deeply
I was leading one of my bi-weekly psychoanalytical groups and they asked me what would be the one thing they would need to do to make love last a lifetime. I got caught up in the question and then realized that there isn’t “A” thing that you need to do to make love last a lifetime.
What Is ‘Falling in Love?’
When you meet someone, you don’t love them. Over time you love them, but how do you know? When is that moment that you can say that you are in love? I don’t mean the feeling of falling in love. That’s infatuation and lust and we can feel that for many people rapidly. I really mean the love that will sustain a relationship for a lifetime. How do you know when you Love Them Deeply?
If you go for a run today you will see no gains in your body. There are no results, you didn’t lose weight, but you feel really sore. You did the “right thing” and gained a lot of pain with no positive results so you quit. This is what we do in relationships too often.
If you value a relationship and believe this is the relationship you want to commit to, you will commit to the work of the relationship. You can mess up and argue, and not do the right thing, but when you consistently work on the relationship together, you will find yourself both in love working towards the goals you both have.
The Intensity Of My Feelings Means I Love Them, Right?
It’s not about the intensity of your relationship. The intensity will rise and fall and too much of the time when we value the intensity of the relationship, we are valuing a lie that will lead to the destruction of a relationship. If you believe that the intensity of your relationship is the gauge of how in love you two are, let me tell you the truth about this. The intensity of your relationship just reflects you how intensely lonely you were before them.
What matters the most are the daily things that you do.
• You get a drink for her when you get one for yourself.
• You listen to their bad day without having to talk about yourself.
• You keep that toilet seat down for her.
• Or maybe, you keep the toilet set up for him.
• You text them and tell them you love them even if you think it’s a dumb thing to do.
• You touch and hold onto him in public and you let her as you hold her back.
• You kiss your lover goodbye before you get on your phone.
• You look at them straight in the eye when they speak instead of listening to them as your eyes are on your phone or computer.
There isn’t “The Thing” that you have to do that will find you a lover or keep a relationship strong or make your sex life better. There isn’t the right lube and sex position to make your sex life suddenly explode long-term. You can’t just consciously hold hands while at the store to restore the intimacy in the relationship. It’s the consistent practice of all the small things that get you to better sex, to having a better relationship or finding a good lover.
This is why people fall and stay in love with each other. It’s the accumulation of all the things we do with and for each other.
Love is Conditional
If someone just takes, there is no love. You can’t make love in a relationship with just one person doing the work. A person who just takes from you is not worth being with. Don’t waste your time and gain the courage to move on.
Mean what you do and say. This creates devotion in a relationship. You will love who you are with, not merely like who you are with. If you just like who you are with you are just enjoying your time, but you will also start to like someone else and this is detrimental to a relationship. If you love your partner you do not want to be with anyone else. You can know that you can be with someone else, but you choose to devote yourself to them, your relationship and the goals you two have made with each other. Love and devotion to your partner is what creates the relationship and future you want.
You know when you’re doing the wrong thing. Dogs know they were wrong to eat up the furniture even before their owners come home. Toddlers know they are doing something wrong and feel guilty for doing so even before they get caught. It’s the same when in a relationship. You know if you consistently do the wrong thing in your relationship, you will consistently have broken or bad relationships.
You may feel that love shouldn’t work this way. That your lover, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend should love you no matter what. This is just not how it works. Love is not unconditional. You have to have the courage to understand that love isn’t free. You will have to be able to tolerate the problems that come with courage. You have to have your own back and your lover needs to have your back to have the courage to keep the consistency in the relationship.
This is the secret to Love. You and your lover have to work and make it every day. The moment one or both of you are not making love, then your relationship degrades. The upside is that you can blame time for the degradation of romance over time instead of your lack of cooperative work. It’s easier to blame something outside of yourself than taking responsibility for your life.
Mr. Ayala is a Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist and host of the podcast The Slip who works with individuals and couples over Skype or in his offices to gain freedom in their minds and lives to stop repeating the same patterns that hurt you every day.
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