How Eating Disorders, Weight Gain & Hyper-Sexuality Taught Me To Value Myself…

How Eating Disorders, Weight Gain & Hyper-Sexuality Taught Me To Value Myself



For the first time EVER… I have this very real part of me that loves my fat body. I would always deny that, all my life, during my up and down rollercoaster of fat to fitness and back…

And as with everything – it’s a LOT of little things at once, and over time, that causes the transformation. I feel like I had to keep coming back to learn the lessons around my weight gain and yoyo lifestyle choices….

And you know what? The other day I finally UN-FUSED (new word I think)…. I finally un-fused/detached my deep unconscious belief that said:

I’m not valuable unless I’m sexually attractive to men.

The shame I would feel…. At being SEEN at being overweight IS what kept me stuck and overweight – it’s a big part of it anyway.

And the struggle – where ok…. im gonna be honest here ok…..

And I only recently admit this to myself and it’s gonna sound weird… ok…

I thought I really didn’t like being in my bigger body…

But I secretly DO…

Because I’ve noticed that I like to squeeze my belly rolls.

It’s been comforting for me! Maybe something from when I was young and started putting on weight after years of buylling and other generally crappy things….

In the past I would simultaneously feel comforted in my bigger body, while being repulsed at the same time. Humans are a funny bunch! I know im not the only one who’s been through this… right?

And so….

Something clicked the other day….

As I was walking along outside, I noticed some guy standing at a car. Not an attractive guy, or anyone my eye noticed. Nothing like that. It’s never about that.

It’s always been about my perceived value of worth.

And I noticed that embarrassed feeling come up, and since I’ve done a lot of inner work and awareness around this – things just sort of opened up…

I saw how I had been pre-judging myself on some patriarchal standard of toxic masculine AND toxic feminine gender roles imposed upon society.

It’s sort of like how in media you will even see politicians and leaders cuss a woman down by saying: I wouldn’t sleep with her! Or I wouldn’t date her!

Or as a lot of men say: I wouldn’t fuck her!

Like that actually means something.

And for a long time now – whenever a man in my presence comments on a woman, say… in a TV show — and he makes that statement (always without prompting): I wouldn’t sleep with her….

I always say back:

SO?!! What does that have to do with anything?

To really make a point, that whether you find her attractive or not has nothing to do with her worth and is NOT a relevant part of this conversation.

Because on an unconscious level for men too (they got stuck with these patterns like women did too) the implied statement is that she isn’t so good because he doesn’t want to fuck her.

So you can see, it’s been on my mind for a long time…

That’s ONE of the many things that lead to this breakthrough..

That consciously I already knew this and was pioneering the language and non-acceptance of talking about women like that.

But for me – it was SO under the surface – it was more like an unconscious society RULE I was following – that I had to be sexy and attractive.

And at so many times in my life I was the sexiest person who would literally turn heads walking in any room – but the truth is, deep down inside – it was fueled by this burning need to fit in and be DESIRED….

Because to be honest – most of my school LIFE growing up like wasn’t like that. I was totally outcast and mocked.

(It actually left me very angry and resentful and mean – another part of my story from well over a decade back!)

Growing up, I was overweight, weird AND sensitive, Plus I had a lot of trauma triggers and issues from abuse and rocky things at an early age.

So when I suddenly lost weight at 15 years old…

Everything began to change…

I became hyper-sexual.

I became a sex goddess.

At 15 I hooked up with, and then fell in love with a man 6 years older than me – 20 years old, almost 21.

And he loved me back.

But it was tumultuous.

These days he would be coined a sex addict for sure…

We were both addicts in general. Heavily so. We saw it as a lifestyle choice and our entire lives revolved mostly around getting high for ‘the party’.

When I moved in with him around my 16th birthday and one thing led to another. He had his own issues – VERY much so.

He would criticize me for my weight, even when I was thin – and I became incredibly insecure all over again and him and I both went on a 5 year binge and starve eating disorder….

Years later in tears during some break up fights near the end, he admitted to me and himself (with sorrow) that he always pointed out any imperfection because he was scared of what people would think of HIM if he wasn’t with a perfectly fit model type…

Another example of how we manifest our fears, as I was often slightly chubby, but sometimes really fit. And so the journey continued….

I could keep writing and fill a book – where does the story stop?!

— Here for now….

It just shows how EVERYTHING adds up.

How the experiences we have truly are lessons and will be continued to be repeated until we integrate the Sacred Lessons from them

So questions to reflect upon:

What have you been struggling with in your life, and how are you secretly loving it for some reason? How is it serving you?

What is the lesson you keep being brought back to learn over and over again?

Where are you embarrassed around other people? And in these cases, what secret RULES are you judging yourself against that need to be broken and don’t make any sense?

And what can you do to move forward to loving these parts of you more fully?

If this has struck a chord with you, please comment to let me know you are there because together we are stronger.

Sending you Love

Kai Ashley xo


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Kai Ashley

Kai Ashley is the go to healer for many healers, entrepreneurs and leaders around The World. Kai has helped thousands…

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