Feeling Alive Again

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Feeling and being alive again.

The environment can be full of unfulfilled emotions. I was homeless in Florida for 5 years. I would say that I must be blessed or lucky because I went on a spiritual journey before my homeless experience. The curious questioned me because I was supposedly way too positive, optimistic, and full of joy for a beggar.

I would tell strangers, life is an adventure, and how we perceive life effects our emotions on our journey. Life is a school; my experiences are for learning purposes. We are not supposed to become shamed, bitter or regretful.

In 2011 I was oddly called to do yoga, chakra work, Buddhism, Tia Chi, Wing Chun, kundalini yoga, Shaktism, and especially a new diet plan. I so happened to run into the video “The Secret,” this is when I sensed an even larger awakening than before. I saw the universe inside of me as if I don’t exist; I am higher conscious thinking out my life from a higher version of myself.

I woke up; this was the opening of the 4th dimension, the 4th chakra. I began to see that we don’t only exist in time and space; we are more than this personality, 5 senses, and this physical body. We are made in the image and likeness of Source. So I began to see how my personality, my beliefs and how I perceived myself were trapping me in the 3rd dimension.

In the third dimension, we think life is just a series of events happening to us, and we are so tiny and lost within life’s happenings. When I saw “The Secret” during my spiritual awakening, I began to see that most of my life experiences good or bad were my entire fault. I am an infinite being; whatever I think and speak into existence, is All my doing. I thought to myself, God spoke the word then it happened.

We have emotional baggage that causes fear in the subconscious mind, and then we have unrecognized fears that dictate our thoughts then behaviors. The 4th dimension showed me my hidden fears that made me act a certain way, feel and think a certain way, then my reality was created from my deep feelings of how I felt about myself.

My next thoughts were finances since I became self-aware I then saw my personality and my beliefs, I saw how my perception of myself was way off. I must be rich and wealthy then; it must be something untrue that I believe about me that is causing me to feel sad, depressed, unimportant, needy, addictions, greedy, fearful, shamed, regrets, grief, competitive, anxious, embarrassed, selfish, and experiencing poverty.

I must (feel) like a loser, I must be feeling unworthy if I am experiencing such hardship in my life…

Long story short, happiness and feeling fulfilled must then already be in me. I can now choose how to feel about me not to wait until the outside world approves. My negative perception of myself was the reason why I felt unfulfilled. I once really felt and thought that I was just a human, my spirit is something separate that will fly away when I die.

No, I began to feel alive once I realized and had an inner experience that I am that spirit and soul energy body.

Once I became self-aware, I had many noticeable changes that freaked me out at one point, seeing through the layers of what I thought was real was intense. First, my 5 senses became more enhanced, everything seems to taste worse or better. If the food had colors/artificial flavors, I once thought was tasty had a bad after taste.

Fruits and veggies taste better; I could taste life in natural foods. I was like OMG as I gobbled down on fruits! Quenching for the juices of life. My intuition would connect me with certain fruits/vegetables that my body kept thirsting for. I became aware of being alive such as feeling my body parts speaking out to me. Our bodies are a large antennae system, it knows what it needs to be healthy, we just have to (feel) then listen.

My sight was significantly enhanced; I would say my third eye must have had an effect on this. Now when I look at the trees, plants, and flowers, everything is extra colorful! When I sit in nature and observe, I can see life force energy glowing off of the trees. I used to laugh at the idea of the trees were alive and had feelings, I now agree. I can feel life force from living things around me. If something is not safe I feel it, not think.

Because I FEEL alive, I feel the trees; I can smell the plants and flower’s richness. The animals especially dogs and cats, I can feel their moods and sense what they want. I believe that we have spirituals senses too, this adds to our 5 senses to enhance our intuition. The air feels fresh and it makes me feel more alive when I focus on the air. The earth feels electric under my bare feet.

Sometimes it only seems like the only sense I have is to Feel. I feel what to do, I feel what to say, I try to feel others out, discern by feeling, feel what to do during art activities, feel the hot shower on many levels, and express how I really feel instead of worrying about feeling rejected or embarrassed.

Next, I’ve noticed that I no longer have an addiction to technology. I can sit and watch the sky or enjoy watching outside without the need to be on my cell phone or social media. Just be in a calm relaxed nonthinking state of the (Now) moment. I feel overwhelmed in joy and abundance, I just feel great inside for no reason. I feel light within because I let go of the past.

Feeling alive connected me to my imagination and creativity, so sitting around bored meant that I was dead. Instead of wasting all of my creative energy on text and sex, I started doing arts and other creative things. I was always shy to dance in front of others, not I just flow with what I feel.

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I once lived in a poor neighborhood; I took time to observe the people and the environment. I was taking notes, I love studying human behavior. What drives people away from feeling peaceful within was my quest. I began to feel awkward because I was the only person walking with a smile on my face; I was outside dancing and feeling, when I got on the bus I felt the anxiety anxiousness in the air.

I did everything I could to cheer others up, but it feels like humanity lost faith in feeling satisfied and alive with joy.

My thoughts are we should be celebrating, life is precious and short. It sucks that most of the time I am the only person dancing to music while walking to the store. I sometimes feel awkward with a smile on my face, most look so serious. Should I apologize for feeling alive again? I took my spiritual healing seriously; I wanted to feel my energy in this body, blissful experiences before I die.

I remember my past life in the 3rd dimension, I thought I was alive, this dimension is about living for the world, how do I look; I must leave an impression when I am seen. Back then I was just living a mundane life. I had to have a girlfriend that was really curvy so that I look cool. I spent time trying to get likes on Facebook, I just didn’t feel fulfilled, so shame created a need to be noticed, liked, fame and popularity.

When I was not feeling alive, not being connected to my feelings made me not have a deep connection with my own children. My emotional connections we lacking in my relationships. I was too busy on the computer, videogames, TV or cell phone. I gave them all tablets and sent them on their way. I stopped playing with them and showing them attention. This kept me from teaching them.

When I was not feeling alive, I wore expensive clothes to feel secure. I needed to be noticed as fresh so that I could feel separate; I needed to feel better than others. I had to fit in to feel safe. Flashy things made me think that I felt alive; no, it was the feeling of others watching me look good that made me think that I was happier. This robotic mindset was not feeling alive.

I can feel my body, spirit, and mind as one, so the need to be liked was weird; I like what I see within, this beautiful light shining so bright.

When I was not living, I always felt restless, feeling like I was bored. I had to keep stimulating my 5 senses to feel alive through smoking, drinking, sex and partying. I needed attention; I once needed to feel cute to feel alive. I spent time on social media taking selfies all day just to feel alive. I spent hours watching tv, looking up the hip hop drama, ghetto fights, violent videos, laughing at other human beings get hurt and worse, porn.

I always picked a fight with my girlfriend because I just didn’t feel satisfied, I needed her to look crazy, and then make excuses when I was wrong. I was afraid of commitment in all forms because I did not know myself, therefore I did not know what I really wanted in life. I constantly needed my friends to approve me, have them see me a certain kind of way, because I cared about how others viewed me.

When we are not feeling fulfilled, we cannot wake up in a joyful happy state, life seems like a drag and we assume money will solve the emptiness.

I moved into a rich prosperous area excepting better results, I was disappointed because it was the same. Yes, people were smiling only because they can spend, but I still felt the dullness in the environment. I kept a smile on my face and moved to my music, some people looked at me weird but I ignored it because I should not be ashamed of my infinite joy.

This nice traffic lady stopped me and said don’t stop smiling, you have a beautiful face. I told her that I feel awkward at times because some look at me as if I am supposed to look dissatisfied with myself. The best advice she gave me was we need to see it, don’t be ashamed to show the world that you feel great, it would make others smile. Please share it.

I asked myself why are many embarrassed to show joy and happiness, is it because they are in a public place? Some would get uncomfortable and feel embarrassed at first glance. I realized that they would feel embarrassed if they started smiling and dancing, it wasn’t me.

Most around me are well off with fancy things, why aren’t they feeling joyful? Most of these fake smiles I see are only talking about what they have, comparing each other’s lives to give off a sense of feeling live.

I see humanity keep thinking that there is more, and more. People are blessed with wealth and money but they ask me why am I in such a good mood. I thought that I laughed too much. Everyone’s kinda funny to me.

My answer was I found my inner child; seek your heart space. I think God said to only can come to me as a child. We experience life and world, and then somehow get old. We somehow become serious adults.

Conformity does not mix with fulfillment.