Fading Fast

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Fading fast. Time is flying by. And at age 57, I see it as both a blessing and a curse. I love the wisdom that comes with age. But in my case, I am not sure if it is age, or a lifetime of meditating. Either way, I feel more comfortable in my skin than ever before. I was always pretty grounded, but now I absolutely know who I am. And that’s a beautiful thing.

But here’s the fade. I am losing many. I have always kept a circle of older friends, but here lately, I am losing people younger than me. And while I am accustomed to losing people…giving my 20 years working with HIV/AIDS during a time when there was no cure. The hits are getting closer and closer to me. My wife and I have lost an obscene amount of family over the past 8-10 years. And believe me, I am not afraid of death. I just miss my circle.

Yesterday I was home watching TV with my wife, when I got a text. It was the county Health Department. {My day job has me working side by side with a lot of human services organizations, police departments and federal offices.} Before I picked up my phone to see the text, I said “Someone just died.” I knew that because they would never reach out on a weekend. Fading fast. Clients, family and friends are all dying.

So I sit here at my computer on a rainy Sunday evening, thinking about the fade. I love the quote “We’re all just walking each other home.” Because we are. So as I interact with people, that is usually at the front of my mind. A huge departure from being a younger man. I have lived a life of service, but if I am totally honest with myself, a lot of that was self serving. Sure a lot of people were helped. But there was something in it for me as well.

With the fade, I am definitely more giving. In most cases I will let you take the win. I don’t need to be right. I look for what is right. I embrace experiences rather than collecting material possessions. It is for that reason we live in a modest house, but have travelled every month for the past 3 years. We are quick to forgive, ready to give and we always honor the day with a nightly prayer.

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Our home is a castle of Zen. Every room has a purpose and energy that is designed to set a peaceful experience. Just two old hippies, that are using what remaining time we have left to dance in love. Being thankful for everything. Time is fleeting. I want every breath to have meaning. And I know every sunset is bringing me closer to my circle who have passed. Until that time when I can dance with them again, I will honor them by not wasting the fade.

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