How I Discovered Grace In An Ocean Of Grief

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“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” ~ Joseph Campbell

The sparrows sing their calling songs, and I relax in a cozy Adirondack chair with my favorite blue mug of brew, absorbing the soft sounds of nature in the quiet of the day while cultivating peace with this soothing meditation.

Carving out a space for serenity, I refined my gratitude as grief swept into my life.

Learning to be present, to breathe and take the gentle steps necessary with each stage of grief provided the keys essential to my survival.

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An Unbearable Loss

Never anticipating the catastrophe barreling towards us, I became powerless to the energy brought by depression.

Time had jumbled the chapters of my life, ending a story that had just begun with a lesson in unbearable loss.

Ushered into a dimly lit room our world was forever changed as the doctors, masked in their somber attire, exposed our greatest fear. Our child has died and an avalanche of sadness buries me as I gasp for air in this isolated space we call grief.

The agony clung to me like a winter cloak, heavy and cumbersome suppressing any salvation that remained while dissecting my heart.

Drowning

This anguish surged into my life while divorcing my comprehension with the scattered debris that death administers.

Bitterness arrives to intensify the wound and this quest for blame distorts my view, abandoning the life before me while this noxious lesion cripples my soul.

Clutching the latch, my hands grope to release this ache, each slip intensifying the panic as I fumble to let go. “I must be drowning,” I pant, as the fog slips in and my thoughts spiral about, surrendering to this brokenness while engulfed in sorrow with nothing familiar in my path.

Images overpower my thoughts as I bail buckets of memories unraveling in my mind’s eye, each wave dragging me deeper as I fight for air. Vulnerable to the swell of grief we search for a symbol of hope to guide us to shore.

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Time

The words ooze out like honey from a jar, thick on my tongue, slowly drizzling a sticky mess into the room.

“I need time to pass, it hurts too much.” I must push through this pain to untangle what has happened.

But grace would not expand from these approaching emotions; it thrived within them, taking the breath of time to reconcile while gradually revealing the tangled puzzle towards enlightenment.

Grief forged this exploration of my truth and while unpacking useless baggage generated space to encourage joy where the pain once dwelled.

The Power of Words

Tending to this ache created a landslide of thoughts, words spilling out in a stampede of emotions frantically penned in journals as I navigate through the process of healing.

Gently extracting the pain on paper inspired a balm to smooth the jagged pieces and provide relief.

Discovering ways to celebrate his life enlisted a course towards happiness, with the grace and ability to maneuver from the ocean of sadness and the ability to observe the beauty that his life represented, we were refined.

Keeping his memory alive by sharing his kind heart with random acts of kindness allowed the knot tethering guilt to unravel and by refining my intentions through writing, a fresh mental picture gradually established the space for joy’s return.

Hope

The whisperings of the seasons approach, dispatching the squirrels that hurriedly jump through the trees as nature’s simplicity perfects the landscape in this scene of discord.

Pine needles lazily blanket the tufts of green awakening to the dawn, and I welcome the serenity.

As summer slowly arrives I wrangle it to savor its pace, reminiscing of the joys I want to encourage, this gentle nudge to embrace the quiet and desert the negative grants harmony to the surrounding softness while raising faith for the future.

With gratitude revealing the blank canvas before me, I slowly realign my world by layering my days with a balance of kindness and calm and within these changing winds reveal the hope that survives amidst tragedy.

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