I sit relaxed and peaceful looking out the window at the leaves blowing and the sun shining while I also look at the beauty of my wife’s eyes and the shine of who she is radiating through every time I look at her. It’s hard to believe our state went into a state of emergency 6 weeks ago. It’s hard to believe all that has followed in the path of COVID-19 around the world since its first presence. It’s also hard to believe that I am a newlywed for a little over a month now. It’s hard to believe, but it has become a new reality. A reality that leaves me on a roller coaster of daily emotions, a whirlwind of thoughts, fluidly flowing through the past of all the yesterdays, the present of today, and the future of all the tomorrows.
In the matter of a single moment, I find myself asking will I ever stop carrying the skeletons of my past; I am so proud of myself because of how I handled this right now and I am so happy; and I am so scared of what might come tomorrow. Engaging in a grounding exercise works to help me not spiral and come back to the here and now. A here and now that is new but with familiar thoughts, feelings, and experiences. A here and now that leaves me in awe of how everyday I am reminded of how much I have grown; how much of the impact of trauma I still carry in my skin, bones, and soul; and how much healing has occurred and is still actively occurring.
This leaves me knowing in the midst of the chaos and unknown that I am connected to the universe. I am connected to my life. I am connected to my family. I am not my limitations or my disabilities. I am not my medical conditions. I am not the chaos in life. I am trying and I am doing a good job. I am connected to my purpose. I am connected to the experiences of my life. I am connected to myself. Given where I came from, what I have traveled through and the mountains climbed, the inner work I have done, and the shining love of my wife, I am forever grateful. I will continue on. I will continue to rise. I will continue to shine. I will continue to battle. I will continue to strive to be my authentic self and live my best life whatever that may look like in any given moment.
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