Being Inlove With You Again
My relationships with others began to change when I began to love myself unconditionally. This is why my failed relationships are very important to me. I use my previous relationships as an example so that I can perform better in my current one. I had to be open and honest with myself without the use of false pride.
There were many times when I was mean, intolerant, prideful, controlling and verbally abusive. When I became angry this behavior pattern was my defense. At times I was selfish and very arrogant because I felt like doing it my way was the right way. Long story short when this relationship ended I took time to be by myself, to work on bettering myself first before getting into a new relationship.
I am not speaking about more money for flashy egoic endeavors, I am talking about wellness.
This includes my mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity because my finances will automatically improve as I become a better person. I began to see that I never truly knew who I was, therefore it was a challenge for me to love and accept myself as I am. How can anyone truly love me if I do not love myself? I used to believe that being loved liked and approved by others especially in relationships meant that I loved myself, that somehow I am now important. Well, this was once my old co-dependent mindset.
I noticed how the traumatic experiences that caused me the most pain was allowing me to only love myself on a conditional basis. Because for every pain I had to create a new mask or persona to hide my authentic myself. This way I avoided feeling vulnerable which is the mask. I got so lost and caught up in my life because I did not know who I truly was. This also put me in a state of self-judgment then self-ridicule because I could not always own up to my persona and mask. This is a constant cycle until we forgive ourselves and others because nobody is perfect.
Well, except for our authentic self.
So I had to keep up an appearance for all of my relationships, I used my many masks or personas to appease my ex-wife. I thought since I am married I must make her happy through thick and then. But doing so kept hurting me internally because I kept doing more pretending for her love and approval. Each day how many people do we play a role for just for them to perceive us in a certain way?
I have reached a period in my relationship, is this as good as it gets? I was in denial, I was not happy. I had to improve my self-worth and self-esteem. I realized that I estimated that I cannot have or do better, no one would accept me with my many excuses. So I decided to settle for less until I figured something out.
Loving myself on a conditional basis filled me with self-doubt, I once thought that I needed to look good instead of feeling good. I once thought that I had to spend more on her, I thought I had to be a perfect lover. I complained to myself that I did not have enough of this or that type of nonsense. I once allowed my unrealistic fantasies to keep me stuck because I thought that I was not good enough. I was used to thinking from a place of lack because I was raised in a predominantly poor environment.
Now that I have learned to accept my self completely and love who I am on an unconditional level, I ended up falling in love with who I am as a person. I figured no matter what I have, my inner beauty shines brighter, therefore I can still attract the best person for me regardless of my situation. I am no longer being who others think that I should be. I somehow created a better relationship with myself. I became more tolerant when dealing with others instead of being so defensive or hostile. We all can be more compassionate with ourselves first so that it trickles down in others.
I made a conscious decision to be observant of my old habits that caused arguments. I learned to adjust myself because this new person is nothing like the previous one. Then I began to see how there is a difference between arguments, disagreements and a discussion. When I see the possibility of an argument, I would excuse myself politely and go for a walk to refresh my mind. I did not do this in my previous relationship. At the same time, I do not want to change for anyone, I accept them as they are and hopefully they feel the same. I would then go back because I had time to reflect on my past negative habits.
Also, my conditional love caused me to criticize and judge my partners, more unnecessary drama. I could not truly accept and love the other person because I did not even know myself. It was easy to focus on their flaws because is saw myself as flawed, this was once my unconscious behavior pattern. To love with conditions mean that my partner must be perfect in certain ways to appease my selfish desires. If they make a mistake or make my ego feel embarrassed then I become easily agitated.
Holding on to a false Identity was my inner hell.
My old persona was, I am a man so I run things. I dropped that persona when I got into my new relationship, I began to see that we both have our strength and weaknesses. My strengths compensate for her weaknesses and vice versa. This way I see her as my equal, this builds each other’s confidence and self-esteem.
I once wore a mask I called a little boy, I made it when I was 6 years old because of my tragic moments. Lately, I observed my current life and witnessed that I was stuck in procrastination, just because I did not want to grow up and take full responsibility for my life. I took off my that mask when I got into my new relationship, I knew that I had to act my age to keep this one.
I have realized that gender roles have caused many unhappy relationships, it doesn’t matter what sexual orientation is. One is trying to be all masculine and the other is trying to be all feminine. Most of the time theses personas are out of insecurity. They are trying to please each other based on fitting into an idealistic role. Both parties must learn to use their masculine and feminine traits to have a healthy relationship. Talking about our feelings which is true intimacy is a must or the relationship is going nowhere it is just on autopilot.
Our mask and personas can be burdensome on our hearts then our relationships. Becoming balanced is knowing when to use our many masks and personas, then take them off to be our authentic selves again. We are not just our ego, we can exist and rise above our humanity.
I fell in love with the goodness I see in her that is a reflection of my own goodness within me. The beautiful person that I see in her is also who I see within me, even if she cannot yet see her inner beauty, because love can take time to blossom. Loving unconditionally allowed me to focus on her positive side, while loving on conditions caused me to pick on her in some way because she did not meet certain conditions.
Unconditional love for myself means to take me as I am, I no longer have feelings of rejection because I already feel self-acceptance. My acceptance for you means that you do not have to act, change or impress me.
Nobody is perfect so let us improve inside together.
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